Let Them Eat Cake – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on June 5, 2013 · 12 comments

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The Candy Apples folks are pissed about it in the hallway, and Anthony breaks down and cries.  I think I actually kind of feel bad about it.  I’ve been married too long or something.

Anthony decides to be the bigger man and let’s it go.  Then we go back into the Candy Apples dressing room for some more stuff no one cares about.

Time for Paige’s rehearsal.  Her nemesis in this category will be some kid in the worst costume I’ve ever seen on a dude.  Like… it’s terrible.  Yeesh.  He’s supposed to be a bird, but he looks like Harley Quinn would look in a Cirque du Soleil set in Gotham or something.  It’s just strange.

Paige is next, and she’s great, but her choreography and music are so bubble gum and peppy.  Those routines hardly ever beat the emotional slow ones.  I don’t get why Abby gives choreography like this.

Things are going swimmingly, and then Jill tells Kelly she wants her to apologize for the way she dragged Kendall into their dispute.  Then Kelly brings in Christi, saying that she would never yell in a kid’s face like Christi did to hers.  Oh boy.  Christi says she feels badly about it all.  She also says she don’t think things will ever be the same, but it’s because of Kelly.  Kelly then just stops arguing, with nothing resolved.  That annoys me.

The girls come out in costume and are ready to get on stage.  Abby is nervous about it, because all she cares about is beating Cathy, as always.

And just when we thought costumes couldn’t be any worse, we see the little biker costumes on Cathy’s boys.  Dreadful.  Simply dreadful.  The look like some Little Tikes toys in the form of Spice Girls.  It’s really bad.

The two teams run into each other in the hallway, and there’s a bit more confrontation.  Cathy calls Jill “Double Chin,” and Jill calls Cathy really old.  To both of these things, one little Apple kid keeps reacting with an instigating “Ooooooh,” and I laugh and he jumps up a couple points on my scale.  Jill tells her to shut up, and Cathy tells Jill that everyone thinks Jill looks like a man.  Now, as much crap as I give Jill, I would never mistake her for a man.  A mannequin, maybe.  But not a man.

After the ALDC team walks off, Cathy pulls her team’s parents asides and scolds them for not sticking up to her.  So lame.

So the senior group is up first, and it’s pretty good.  Brooke never quite shows much emotion when she dances, but she always kills the actual dancing.

Then it’s the little Bicycle Boys.  Theirs just makes me uncomfortable, and the song they dance to sounds like an awful intro song played when an awful wrestler comes out into a sticky arena full of smelly mouth-breathers.   And it’s like the singer tried to be Marilyn Manson for a minute in there.   So bad.

Next up is the actual ALDC team.  They nail it, as usual.  They’re so in sync that it baffles me.  I don’t know much about dancing, but I can tell when people are together.

Awards time!  Paige’s solo gets second, right under bird boy.  Respectable, given her choreography and music.  But his costume…. ugh.

Awards for duo/trio.  The dad tribute gets second.  That one’s gotta sting for ol’ Anthony.  Once again,  I think I might actually feel bad for him a bit.  Maddie and Chloe get first, of course.

Then the senior group gets first of course.

Time out, though.  There are only like six or so groups onstage, right?  Take a look.  And when it shows the audience, there’s less people out there than there are onstage.  This seems a bit weird, no?

Anyways, time for the group awards.  Second is…. Biker Boys.  First place…. Bad Girls.  Nailed it.  Cathy loses again.

Back in the dressing room, Holly tries to talk some more sense into Kelly.  Kelly doesn’t want to be friends with Christi, since she still believe Christi yelled in Paige’s face.  She also says that she always knew in the back of her head that Christi would stab her in the back.  What kinda weird paranoid shit is that?  I mean, granted, I feel that way about my wife, but that’s normal.  ….right?

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  • Heidi

    Man, I always love your re-caps! So spot on!
    Anyways, I’m starting to get super annoyed with Kelly! Like, seriously. I just wanna smack her for being a crybaby all the time. AND, for not supporting her children!
    Secondly, I really, REALLY, hope Lifetime reads this. I’m sick of seeing Cathy, her fake team, and Douche Dad.
    I also hope Mickey and Gino don’t come to ALDC.

  • figgles

    Fun fact, Mickey is also Kevin’s dad (Brooke’s date) this show is getting to be too much.

  • Soncie22

    Excellent recap Matt! thanks for tweeting it to me!

  • ThePurpleGirl

    I really want to know whatever happened to that Justice kid. There was this weird drama at the end of the second season about him maybe wanting to come dance for Abby, but then he just disappeared.

  • Dancemomslover

    Kelly is freakin crazy!!! She’s lost her mind.

  • Lisa Davis

    LOVE your review, as always. You paid a lot more attention than I did. Every time I see that cow standing in the field I know it is Candy Apple time and I start to read my e-mail. With all the yelling going on, I just tuned out until the dances. I am beginning to wonder why every show has to have a bad argument or in this case, lots of bad arguments. How about showing more dances and less drama?

  • DM

    They quit the studio. His mother is very vocal about it on Twitter. @tanyamccort

  • melissa schuck

    I love your recaps! You forgot Jill’s comment asking if the wheels they got for the group dance was from Cathy’s wheelchair HA! That was one of my favorite lines. Anyway, I am so sick of the fake tv drama they keep piling into each episode! This episode could’ve easily been at most 1 1/2 hours instead of 2 because of all the crap they add in!

  • lisa

    Your reviews are legitimately perfection

  • knikole

    Your reviews are my favorite. I laugh through the whole thing. Thank you for making my day (:

  • Kim

    Since I know it is going to take a couple days to get the new recap up (and we are all on the edges of our seats waiting on Christi’s interveiw) I just wanted to call bs on the Maddie vs Chloe judges scores thing that happened on tonights show. There was NO WAY that that happened on accident, either the producers planted it or Abby changed it or something. Actually now that I think about it, it could of been very easy for Abby to change a number on a score sheet… but I guess that is an investigation that would never happen.
    Abby hates Christi and it is horrible how much she tries to hurt her daugther! She already lost to her before in that whole little team vote thing, but we all know that it is worse to think you won but then are actually told that you loss. Abby is the BIGGEST bully to that little girl. As I have said before I dont mind her yelling at the kids to point their toes and what not, I get tough. But she ( or a producer) deliberatly choose to be evil and hurt a little girl! Can not stand it! I wish there was a way we could keep the girls, but kick the producers and Abby to the curb whille hindering their chances to make money off of the dance moms legacy. I think Abby has a huge ego, and knows the moms just have to deal with it because if they dont do what she says she can just bench their kid and they wont get to dance on the show. I soooo wish Gia, or one of the other teachers ran the show, they seem to actually get along with the kids and the mothers whille still getting good results. Abby is just fame/money hungry and carries grudges against certain people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/debra.roland.92 Debra Roland

    Here is a horrid rumor. Someone says she was in the ALDC studio and they said that Cathy is getting her own show. Umm, uck!

    I love your recaps, as always!!

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