Let Them Eat Cake – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on June 5, 2013 · 12 comments

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Luckily, we’re back now.  Two days to competition.  Back upstairs.  All of the moms are up there acting like nothing is wrong.  Then Holly breaks the ice and asks if everyone is cool.  Kelly is “done with the situation.”   But she tells Christi to never get in her kid’s face again.  Aaaaaand World War 17.  Abby interrupts and tells them all to shut the hell up.  Christi leaves to go for a walk.

Holly then tries to talk some rational words to Kelly to make her feel better, but Kelly has a mini nervous breakdown and slightly hyperventilates.  It’s freaking weird.  I think Kelly done lost her damn mind.

Ah, horse balls.  We’re back in Ohio.  Anthony is teaching the duet, which is the one about his dad dying.  Now look… I don’t want to downplay the guy’s dad dying.  That sucks and it’s awful.  But when you think of making a tribute for your dad… do you really think two preteen boys is the best medium to make that happen?  I can see it being one of the emotional dances that has everyone in tears on So You Think You Can Dance.  But to have two kids do it on a stage with 17 people in the audience?  Not so hard-hitting.

In other news, we’re only half way through the damn show.  Holy smokes.

Some more drama we don’t care about happens at the Apples studio with the kid crying and them thinking Anthony is too hard on the kids, but I fast forward it.

Back at ALDC, the senior group, now with Brooke, is rehearsing.  Abby wants a stronger connection between her and the lead dude, whose name is Kevin.  So Abby tells him he should go on a date with Brooke, since he “can charm the pants off of anyone.”  Bro, don’t charm her pants off.  You’ll go to jail, and you’ll be mad creepy.

So he asks her on the date, and she agrees.  Brooke doesn’t want to date a dancer, because it’s more time that she’ll have to be at the studio.  Atta girl.

Brooke and Kevin go upstairs and Kevin tells Kelly he’s taking Brooke on a date.  Dinner and a movie.

So… they go to a bakery?  Sure.  They chat for a bit, and then all of a sudden he puts cake on her face.  What a dick.  He flirts like he’s in 3rd grade.  It’s like I taught him all of my moves.  It’s tragic.

Back at the studio, the girls from the senior group ask him about the date.  “Do you like her?” “Yeah..” “Do you think she likes you??” “No.”  Good call.

Then the girls rehearse their group.  The moms head upstairs, and Christi takes a new seat on the opposite end of the bench.  Yikes.  Christi tells Jill she just wants to do nothing and give Kelly some space.  Kelly tells Melissa that it’ll never be the same between her and Kelly.  I hate this episode.

We’re back in Ohio.  The same shit is happening.  Eff this.  Fast forward.

Abby tries to rehearse the duet, but she thinks the girls just aren’t feeling it.  She has Chloe look in the mirror and tells her to look at how sad she looks.  And it’s because her mom acted foolish yesterday or something.  What a weird, creepy, brainwashy thing to say.

Back from the 1007th commercial tonight, and it’s competition day.  The Apples are already there , and they stand in the hall to greet the ALDC folks as they walk in. ADC blows them off and walk by.

In the dressing room, Abby is a wreck because Cathy is there.  Holly takes over and gets everyone going, since Abby is borderline catatonic for the time being.

The duets are first, and Maddie and Chloe kill it,because they’re freaking Maddie and Chloe.  No one will beat that.

The boys are next with the dad tribute, but like I said, it really loses its power when you’re watching to preteen boys dancing as a father and son.  Plus the song really just said “The force is strong with this one.”  What the hell?  Star Wars?

Abby tells us that the choreography was awful, and then she says it out loud for Cathy and Anthony to hear.  That was pretty shitty of her.  And leave it alone.  Remember the whole thing people say about “stooping to their level”?  Jeez.  Especially talking mess about a dance that a guy wrote for his dead dad.  You don’t say that two a guy’s face.  You let guys like me do it when they can hide behind a computer.

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  • Heidi

    Man, I always love your re-caps! So spot on!
    Anyways, I’m starting to get super annoyed with Kelly! Like, seriously. I just wanna smack her for being a crybaby all the time. AND, for not supporting her children!
    Secondly, I really, REALLY, hope Lifetime reads this. I’m sick of seeing Cathy, her fake team, and Douche Dad.
    I also hope Mickey and Gino don’t come to ALDC.

  • figgles

    Fun fact, Mickey is also Kevin’s dad (Brooke’s date) this show is getting to be too much.

  • Soncie22

    Excellent recap Matt! thanks for tweeting it to me!

  • ThePurpleGirl

    I really want to know whatever happened to that Justice kid. There was this weird drama at the end of the second season about him maybe wanting to come dance for Abby, but then he just disappeared.

  • Dancemomslover

    Kelly is freakin crazy!!! She’s lost her mind.

  • Lisa Davis

    LOVE your review, as always. You paid a lot more attention than I did. Every time I see that cow standing in the field I know it is Candy Apple time and I start to read my e-mail. With all the yelling going on, I just tuned out until the dances. I am beginning to wonder why every show has to have a bad argument or in this case, lots of bad arguments. How about showing more dances and less drama?

  • DM

    They quit the studio. His mother is very vocal about it on Twitter. @tanyamccort

  • melissa schuck

    I love your recaps! You forgot Jill’s comment asking if the wheels they got for the group dance was from Cathy’s wheelchair HA! That was one of my favorite lines. Anyway, I am so sick of the fake tv drama they keep piling into each episode! This episode could’ve easily been at most 1 1/2 hours instead of 2 because of all the crap they add in!

  • lisa

    Your reviews are legitimately perfection

  • knikole

    Your reviews are my favorite. I laugh through the whole thing. Thank you for making my day (:

  • Kim

    Since I know it is going to take a couple days to get the new recap up (and we are all on the edges of our seats waiting on Christi’s interveiw) I just wanted to call bs on the Maddie vs Chloe judges scores thing that happened on tonights show. There was NO WAY that that happened on accident, either the producers planted it or Abby changed it or something. Actually now that I think about it, it could of been very easy for Abby to change a number on a score sheet… but I guess that is an investigation that would never happen.
    Abby hates Christi and it is horrible how much she tries to hurt her daugther! She already lost to her before in that whole little team vote thing, but we all know that it is worse to think you won but then are actually told that you loss. Abby is the BIGGEST bully to that little girl. As I have said before I dont mind her yelling at the kids to point their toes and what not, I get tough. But she ( or a producer) deliberatly choose to be evil and hurt a little girl! Can not stand it! I wish there was a way we could keep the girls, but kick the producers and Abby to the curb whille hindering their chances to make money off of the dance moms legacy. I think Abby has a huge ego, and knows the moms just have to deal with it because if they dont do what she says she can just bench their kid and they wont get to dance on the show. I soooo wish Gia, or one of the other teachers ran the show, they seem to actually get along with the kids and the mothers whille still getting good results. Abby is just fame/money hungry and carries grudges against certain people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/debra.roland.92 Debra Roland

    Here is a horrid rumor. Someone says she was in the ALDC studio and they said that Cathy is getting her own show. Umm, uck!

    I love your recaps, as always!!

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