Let Them Eat Cake – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on June 5, 2013 · 12 comments

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Then good ol’ Douche Dad steps in, because the guy couldn’t keep his mouth shut if he had it wired that way, Kanye style.  Shut up, Douche Dad.  But he goes on yapping at Mickey, and all Dance Moms watchers roll their eyes and wonder why we’re seeing this crap.  They threaten to fight each other, and the word yawns.

After a commercial about some new show with awful moms, we’re back at ALDC.  The moms bring up to Kelly that they want to have a sleepover, and they want to Paige to plan it.  Sweet, right?  Oh no no no!  Kelly immediately asks what the hell it’s for and calls them out for going out to lunch without her.  Awwwwkwaaaaard.

Dammit.  We’re back in Ohio.  They’re trying to resolve the problem at the studio, and Cathy tears up.  Ugh.  Fast forward.  Cathy thinks Mickey is a mole.

Okay, back at ALDC.  Abby sits a bunch of her senior kids watch her performance and critique her, since Cathy and Anthony caused such a stir by judging her last week.  I guess this is supposed to be a lesson or something.  But Abby just tells the seniors what to say and they agree.  Lesson learned?

Upstairs, Jill makes up some dopey excuse about want to go raid the costume room with Christi.  So they go down, since obviously Jill just wants to talk about Kelly.  This reminds me of middle school.  Christi agrees, but she’s like, “Meh, what else am I gonna do?”

Jill tells Christi that she’s still upset that Kelly is mad at her and won’t apologize.  She also tells Christi that she’s tired of no one having her back, and Christi says she’ll have her back.  We’ll see.  Christi is diplomatic about it.

Back upstairs, Jill straight up asks Kelly if she feels bad about screaming at her last night.  Kelly looks at her and so matter-of-factly says, “No.”  I actually laughed out loud at that.  Jill is somehow still dumbfounded that Kelly is annoyed with her for butting into her business.

So Jill proceeds to tell Kelly that everyone agrees that Kelly is a bully.  Word-twisting much?  Much yelling is going on, and Abby and her rehearsal group just stare at them from below with brilliant looks of stupor upon their little dancey faces.

Christi jumps in and tells Kelly that she was obviously upset with Abby.  Kelly gets immediately defensive, and then Kelly says that Christi told her that Christi doesn’t see Kelly as a friend anymore.  Christi denies that and tells Kelly she’s “full of F@#%ing S&$t,” minus a few symbols, but bleeped out for the sake of the children.  Abby hears this, and asks her group of seniors who said it.  One dopey kid says it was Christi, and one dopey editor spells her name “Christie” in the subtitles.  Stellar work, sir.

Then it keeps blowing up further and Kelly and Christi really get into it.  It’s uncomfortable, and Kelly says she won’t ever be Christi’s friend.  Christi storms downstairs after saying “F$#@ you” to Kelly a couple times.  Aaaaaand commercial.

So we’re back, and Christi is getting her shit together to leave, and still yelling in the dressing room about Kelly being jealous.  Nia and Paige are in there too, and Paige comes upstairs crying that Christi was yelling in her face.  This caused a retarded shitstorm on Twitter. because if you watch the clip, she was literally like six feet away from the girls, and she wasn’t even yelling in their direction.  Then some the same dopey kid who called Christi out to Abby for cussing jumps on Twitter and says some crap about Christi showing her true colors.  What a turd.

So to exacerbate the situation even further, Maddie trails  behind Paige to explain to the other moms what happened.  Only, Maddie WASN’T EVEN IN THE ROOM.  Dumb.  So she tells them that Christi was yelling into Paige’s face too.  Now the situation has exploded.  Kelly is upset, and rightfully so this time, if the situation had actually gone down the way it seemed to have.

And just as things were getting interesting, we’re back in freaking Ohio where Anthony is teaching the boys a group number about steroids in sports.  This is something that actually happened.  I wish I were making it up.  The freaking Douche Dad answers some question from some mom that she was obviously told to ask him and it’s awkward and I hate it and I want to go back to ALDC.

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  • Heidi

    Man, I always love your re-caps! So spot on!
    Anyways, I’m starting to get super annoyed with Kelly! Like, seriously. I just wanna smack her for being a crybaby all the time. AND, for not supporting her children!
    Secondly, I really, REALLY, hope Lifetime reads this. I’m sick of seeing Cathy, her fake team, and Douche Dad.
    I also hope Mickey and Gino don’t come to ALDC.

  • figgles

    Fun fact, Mickey is also Kevin’s dad (Brooke’s date) this show is getting to be too much.

  • Soncie22

    Excellent recap Matt! thanks for tweeting it to me!

  • ThePurpleGirl

    I really want to know whatever happened to that Justice kid. There was this weird drama at the end of the second season about him maybe wanting to come dance for Abby, but then he just disappeared.

  • Dancemomslover

    Kelly is freakin crazy!!! She’s lost her mind.

  • Lisa Davis

    LOVE your review, as always. You paid a lot more attention than I did. Every time I see that cow standing in the field I know it is Candy Apple time and I start to read my e-mail. With all the yelling going on, I just tuned out until the dances. I am beginning to wonder why every show has to have a bad argument or in this case, lots of bad arguments. How about showing more dances and less drama?

  • DM

    They quit the studio. His mother is very vocal about it on Twitter. @tanyamccort

  • melissa schuck

    I love your recaps! You forgot Jill’s comment asking if the wheels they got for the group dance was from Cathy’s wheelchair HA! That was one of my favorite lines. Anyway, I am so sick of the fake tv drama they keep piling into each episode! This episode could’ve easily been at most 1 1/2 hours instead of 2 because of all the crap they add in!

  • lisa

    Your reviews are legitimately perfection

  • knikole

    Your reviews are my favorite. I laugh through the whole thing. Thank you for making my day (:

  • Kim

    Since I know it is going to take a couple days to get the new recap up (and we are all on the edges of our seats waiting on Christi’s interveiw) I just wanted to call bs on the Maddie vs Chloe judges scores thing that happened on tonights show. There was NO WAY that that happened on accident, either the producers planted it or Abby changed it or something. Actually now that I think about it, it could of been very easy for Abby to change a number on a score sheet… but I guess that is an investigation that would never happen.
    Abby hates Christi and it is horrible how much she tries to hurt her daugther! She already lost to her before in that whole little team vote thing, but we all know that it is worse to think you won but then are actually told that you loss. Abby is the BIGGEST bully to that little girl. As I have said before I dont mind her yelling at the kids to point their toes and what not, I get tough. But she ( or a producer) deliberatly choose to be evil and hurt a little girl! Can not stand it! I wish there was a way we could keep the girls, but kick the producers and Abby to the curb whille hindering their chances to make money off of the dance moms legacy. I think Abby has a huge ego, and knows the moms just have to deal with it because if they dont do what she says she can just bench their kid and they wont get to dance on the show. I soooo wish Gia, or one of the other teachers ran the show, they seem to actually get along with the kids and the mothers whille still getting good results. Abby is just fame/money hungry and carries grudges against certain people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/debra.roland.92 Debra Roland

    Here is a horrid rumor. Someone says she was in the ALDC studio and they said that Cathy is getting her own show. Umm, uck!

    I love your recaps, as always!!

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