Let Them Eat Cake – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on June 5, 2013 · 12 comments

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Abby then mentions the inter-team texting to us and reiterates what Cathy said about texting the enemy.  Can we all take a deep breath and realize it’s dancing?  I mean, don’t you think these kids are a little young to have “enemies”?

Abby then corners Mackenzie to get the dirt.  Mackenzie denies that Maddie kissed anyone backstage, but can’t deny that Maddie was kissed BY someone backstage.  Gino.  That little son of a B.  Christi asked Melissa if they’re dating (as much as little kids can date).  Melissa denies it.

I remember my first “girlfriend.”  Fifth grade.  Angela.  Sounds heavenly, no?  We didn’t go to the same school or anything.  I think she was my dad’s co-workers daughter or something.  We talked on the phone everyday for a week or so, and then for some reason I just stopped calling.  Anyways, we never broke up, so I’ve been cheating on her with my wife for quite a while now.  Sorry, Angela… wherever you are.  Sigh…

Then again, she’s probably married now too.  That cheating whore.  I digress…

Time for Paige’s solo rehearsal.  Abby gives her some lecture about how she’s awesome so people going to hate her.  Yay!  Go life.  What do you think, Kelly?  Oh, you’re pissed?  Okay, cool.

Let’s rehearse the group number.  Abby wants these “Bad Girls” to be nasty.  So I guess it’s time to confront Maddie about texting boys?  “Hey, don’t do that.”  Wow, you really told her, Abby.  Can you imagine what would happen if it were Chloe or a Hyland?  Jeebus.

This leads the moms upstairs to talk about themselves being boy crazy.  They all deny it, but Christi says she thinks if they’re not boy crazy, they’re at least crazy.  I’m pretty sure it’s her way of telling me she’s in love with me, but I can’t prove that.

Hey, Kelly is talking again.  And she’s pissed.  Goodness gracious.  What the hell is going on here?

As they rehearse the group number, the moms ask each other why Paige isn’t in the group dance.  Kelly doesn’t want to even deal with it, because she’s still pissed.  Jill, being the busy-body she is, decides to go confront Abby about Paige not being in the dance.  She tells Abby that Kelly is having a fit about it.  Nice opener.  Then Kelly wanders downstairs and tells them to stop talking about her daughter, and then Kelly tells her that Kendall is the one with the problem.  What?

So Jill strolls back upstairs sans Kelly and tells the moms that they need to “buck up” because shit’s out of hand.  She’s tired of standing up to everyone and no one backing her up.  Can’t really blame her, actually.  But then again, she’s always sticking her nose where it shouldn’t be, too.  Not sure why she thinking this matter concerns her at all.  So Jill and Kelly yell at each other for a bit.  Kelly looks pretty nuts, though.  This is getting weird.  She hopes the team loses.  Yikes.

After the commercial, all of the moms except for Kelly are at lunch at some place that looks like it’s made entirely of wood and gallon wine jugs.  The moms want to talk about what’s been up Kelly’s hiney and see if there’s anything they can do.  Or to just gossip.  But whatevs.  They talk for a bit, and nothing really comes of it.  Jill wants an apology from Kelly, but that shit ain’t happening.  The one thing that does come is that they want to throw something nice for Kelly’s kids.

Shit.  We’re back in Ohio with the Apples.  Anthony has these kids at some gym that looks like Crossfit if it were made by a middle school gym teacher.  Gino has been sick, and his dad, Mickey, is worried that it’s gonna mess with Gino, because he just recently got out of the hospital after a case of bronchitis.  This dude went to the hospital for bronchitis?  I’ve likely broken a bone in my foot and a bone in my hand in my life, and I never went to any damn hospital.  Man up, kid.

Mickey stands in the wing complaining to Mickey about it, but Anthony ain’t havin’ it.  They go back and forth a bit, and I don’t care.  Oh, and now a little interview with one of the Candy Apple moms.  What the hell is going on here?  Get back to ALDC.  No one cares about anything that’s happening right now, Lifetime.

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  • Heidi

    Man, I always love your re-caps! So spot on!
    Anyways, I’m starting to get super annoyed with Kelly! Like, seriously. I just wanna smack her for being a crybaby all the time. AND, for not supporting her children!
    Secondly, I really, REALLY, hope Lifetime reads this. I’m sick of seeing Cathy, her fake team, and Douche Dad.
    I also hope Mickey and Gino don’t come to ALDC.

  • figgles

    Fun fact, Mickey is also Kevin’s dad (Brooke’s date) this show is getting to be too much.

  • Soncie22

    Excellent recap Matt! thanks for tweeting it to me!

  • ThePurpleGirl

    I really want to know whatever happened to that Justice kid. There was this weird drama at the end of the second season about him maybe wanting to come dance for Abby, but then he just disappeared.

  • Dancemomslover

    Kelly is freakin crazy!!! She’s lost her mind.

  • Lisa Davis

    LOVE your review, as always. You paid a lot more attention than I did. Every time I see that cow standing in the field I know it is Candy Apple time and I start to read my e-mail. With all the yelling going on, I just tuned out until the dances. I am beginning to wonder why every show has to have a bad argument or in this case, lots of bad arguments. How about showing more dances and less drama?

  • DM

    They quit the studio. His mother is very vocal about it on Twitter. @tanyamccort

  • melissa schuck

    I love your recaps! You forgot Jill’s comment asking if the wheels they got for the group dance was from Cathy’s wheelchair HA! That was one of my favorite lines. Anyway, I am so sick of the fake tv drama they keep piling into each episode! This episode could’ve easily been at most 1 1/2 hours instead of 2 because of all the crap they add in!

  • lisa

    Your reviews are legitimately perfection

  • knikole

    Your reviews are my favorite. I laugh through the whole thing. Thank you for making my day (:

  • Kim

    Since I know it is going to take a couple days to get the new recap up (and we are all on the edges of our seats waiting on Christi’s interveiw) I just wanted to call bs on the Maddie vs Chloe judges scores thing that happened on tonights show. There was NO WAY that that happened on accident, either the producers planted it or Abby changed it or something. Actually now that I think about it, it could of been very easy for Abby to change a number on a score sheet… but I guess that is an investigation that would never happen.
    Abby hates Christi and it is horrible how much she tries to hurt her daugther! She already lost to her before in that whole little team vote thing, but we all know that it is worse to think you won but then are actually told that you loss. Abby is the BIGGEST bully to that little girl. As I have said before I dont mind her yelling at the kids to point their toes and what not, I get tough. But she ( or a producer) deliberatly choose to be evil and hurt a little girl! Can not stand it! I wish there was a way we could keep the girls, but kick the producers and Abby to the curb whille hindering their chances to make money off of the dance moms legacy. I think Abby has a huge ego, and knows the moms just have to deal with it because if they dont do what she says she can just bench their kid and they wont get to dance on the show. I soooo wish Gia, or one of the other teachers ran the show, they seem to actually get along with the kids and the mothers whille still getting good results. Abby is just fame/money hungry and carries grudges against certain people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/debra.roland.92 Debra Roland

    Here is a horrid rumor. Someone says she was in the ALDC studio and they said that Cathy is getting her own show. Umm, uck!

    I love your recaps, as always!!

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