Let Them Eat Cake – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on June 5, 2013 · 12 comments

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Oh, hello there!  It’s been a while.   I don’t even remember what’s happened since we last met, but hey, we’ll see what happens from here. Oh, and since my last post, I met with Christi here in San Antonio.  We hung out and chatted, and I’ll be posting the interview story shortly.  It’s done, but it’s going through a bit of review.

So anyway…. LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!  Ah, we’re back.

Here we are at ALDC.  Everyone pulls up, glad to be back from a break that didn’t really exist except to us on TV.  If you’ll recall, all the moms hate each other right now and tam got beat by Cathy and her Apples.  Or the Apples of that week, I guess.

Pyramid time.  Abby looks pissed.  She is pissed.  She says so.  Abby’s not there this week, because she’s doing some gig in L.A.  And, you know, it makes total sense that she’s getting gigs in L.A. but still wants to be in Abby’s studio.

Kendall is at the bottom of the pyramid, because she’s Kendall.  Next is Mackenzie, because Abby’s soul is a dark pit of licorice and black jelly beans.  Next on the bottom is Nia, because Abby remembered she was on the team and had to stick her somewhere.   Rounding out the bottom is Brooke, because “you were an asset.”  Uhhh… what?

The next row starts with Chloe, because she didn’t beat Maddie.  Then it’s Asia, who’s not even freaking there!  Paige is in second place, and Abby is super proud of her.  So proud, in fact, that Maddie is on top of the damn pyramid.

The group number this week will only have four of the girls:  Maddie, Chloe, Kendall, and Nia.  There’s an obvious absence of Hyland here.  It’s a jazz number called “Bad Girls,” describing this group of girls to a tee.

Also, Maddie and Chloe will do a duet.  I’ll close my ears as the frighteningly excited cheers of the Twittershpere pass.

Paige gets a solo, and Brooke will actually be dancing with the Senior Team, so I guess that makes up for them not being in the group routine.  Right?  Maybe not.  More on that later.

The team is staying in Pittsburgh this week for a competition that seems designed to bring in Cathy so that they can compete against her.  And what a perfect segue, as the It’s Always Sunny-esque music comes on and we’re transported against our will to the home of the Apples.  Yay.

Cathy says some stuff no one cares about.  Something about conquering the dance world.  Sure.  And then she thinks some of her kids are texting the ALDC girls saying they wish they were there.  Um, yes.  Because these are guys.  And those are girls.  And guys have wanted to be near girls since the dawn of mankind.

Cathy does her pyramid too, which isn’t really a pyramid at all.  It’s more of a flat building with an asteroid about to land on it.  Or something.  Bad analogy, but no worse than her “pyramid.”

Nick is doing a solo and there’s a duet with Zack and Geno.  Anthony, Cathy’s choreographer that I have a love-hate relationship with, made the duet as a tribute to his dad, who just recently died.  I love when Anthony tells Cathy to back off, but I hate when he’ a douche to anyone else.

Back at ALDC, Brooke is going to be with the Senior Team, as we said earlier, and Abby is pairing her up with a dude, who might be good-looking after a bit of Accutane.  Don’t worry, bro.  We’ve all been there.

Upstairs, Kelly is pissed that all the seniors already know this dance, and Brooke has to learn it in a few days.  Kelly’s pissededness doesn’t end there, though.  More to come.

Holly reminds Kelly that it’s cool that Abby put Brooke in the dance, and Jill echoes the sentiment.  Rational.  But Kelly says she hopes it sucks and that they lose.  Rational?  Hm.

After the commercial, we’re back and Abby is running the duet.  Christi and Melissa are excited for their girls to dance together.  Abby watches and looks pretty pissed.  Christi says she thinks there’s a lot of pressure on the girls because Abby knows they should win.  She says this after a super awkward video edit where it’s like she’s looking down and thinking and then her face just pops up to talk to us.  It was weird.  Watch it.  You’ll see what I mean.  Abby dismisses them after basically telling them they suck.  Good talk, Abbs.

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  • Heidi

    Man, I always love your re-caps! So spot on!
    Anyways, I’m starting to get super annoyed with Kelly! Like, seriously. I just wanna smack her for being a crybaby all the time. AND, for not supporting her children!
    Secondly, I really, REALLY, hope Lifetime reads this. I’m sick of seeing Cathy, her fake team, and Douche Dad.
    I also hope Mickey and Gino don’t come to ALDC.

  • figgles

    Fun fact, Mickey is also Kevin’s dad (Brooke’s date) this show is getting to be too much.

  • Soncie22

    Excellent recap Matt! thanks for tweeting it to me!

  • ThePurpleGirl

    I really want to know whatever happened to that Justice kid. There was this weird drama at the end of the second season about him maybe wanting to come dance for Abby, but then he just disappeared.

  • Dancemomslover

    Kelly is freakin crazy!!! She’s lost her mind.

  • Lisa Davis

    LOVE your review, as always. You paid a lot more attention than I did. Every time I see that cow standing in the field I know it is Candy Apple time and I start to read my e-mail. With all the yelling going on, I just tuned out until the dances. I am beginning to wonder why every show has to have a bad argument or in this case, lots of bad arguments. How about showing more dances and less drama?

  • DM

    They quit the studio. His mother is very vocal about it on Twitter. @tanyamccort

  • melissa schuck

    I love your recaps! You forgot Jill’s comment asking if the wheels they got for the group dance was from Cathy’s wheelchair HA! That was one of my favorite lines. Anyway, I am so sick of the fake tv drama they keep piling into each episode! This episode could’ve easily been at most 1 1/2 hours instead of 2 because of all the crap they add in!

  • lisa

    Your reviews are legitimately perfection

  • knikole

    Your reviews are my favorite. I laugh through the whole thing. Thank you for making my day (:

  • Kim

    Since I know it is going to take a couple days to get the new recap up (and we are all on the edges of our seats waiting on Christi’s interveiw) I just wanted to call bs on the Maddie vs Chloe judges scores thing that happened on tonights show. There was NO WAY that that happened on accident, either the producers planted it or Abby changed it or something. Actually now that I think about it, it could of been very easy for Abby to change a number on a score sheet… but I guess that is an investigation that would never happen.
    Abby hates Christi and it is horrible how much she tries to hurt her daugther! She already lost to her before in that whole little team vote thing, but we all know that it is worse to think you won but then are actually told that you loss. Abby is the BIGGEST bully to that little girl. As I have said before I dont mind her yelling at the kids to point their toes and what not, I get tough. But she ( or a producer) deliberatly choose to be evil and hurt a little girl! Can not stand it! I wish there was a way we could keep the girls, but kick the producers and Abby to the curb whille hindering their chances to make money off of the dance moms legacy. I think Abby has a huge ego, and knows the moms just have to deal with it because if they dont do what she says she can just bench their kid and they wont get to dance on the show. I soooo wish Gia, or one of the other teachers ran the show, they seem to actually get along with the kids and the mothers whille still getting good results. Abby is just fame/money hungry and carries grudges against certain people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/debra.roland.92 Debra Roland

    Here is a horrid rumor. Someone says she was in the ALDC studio and they said that Cathy is getting her own show. Umm, uck!

    I love your recaps, as always!!

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