Helloooooo, Cat Deeley. It’s been far too long. ave you decided to marry me yet? No? Okay, maybe next time.
Los Angeles. Here we are. First round of auditions. Mitchell from Modern Family as a guest judge. It was a solid round, with (oddly) no horrible auditions, excluding dislocating kneecaps. But more on that later. For now, I’ll just give you my quick thoughts on each of the featured dancers from tonight. And keep in mind, if you’re not familiar with my SYTYCD recaps, I always have names for the dancers that move on because I can’t ever remember their actual names.
- Du-Shaunt “Fik-Shun” Stegall, Las Vegas, NV – Okay, if you can get past his dopey name, this dude was nuts. In a good way. He reminded me of Cyrus, but with a little more flow and a little more choreographed. I worry that he’s too small to do good partner work on the show, but he’s damn fun to watch. And likable with that un-erasable smile. I’m pulling for him already, but I’m not sure where it’ll take him.
- Malece Miller, Salt Lake City, UT – Okay, so this chick basically danced while her mom cleaned houses and shit to pay for her dancing lessons. Now look, I know your mom is telling you that it’s for you and all, and she wants it this way, but Jeebus. If my mom was busting her ass so I could sit here and write this blog, I’d tell her, “Nah, it’s cool mom. Let me grab a broom or something.” This chick was a great dancer, though, so I guess it paid off. And with her ticket straight to Vegas, it’s cool that her mom got to actually see it pay off. New haircut, though, please. No idea how to say her name, by the way. She will now be Maleficent. Shout out, Sleeping Beauty.
- Paul Karmiryan, Glendale CA – What the f#%$, bro? You already won this show in some other country. Give some other people a chance. And why are you from Glendale if you won the show in Armenia? Something’s not adding up here. He was ridiculously good, and could definitely rock some Tyce choreography, but I’m already rooting against him. His new name is Money Train, because the only reference to Armenia I have is the Armenian Money Train scandal from The Shield.
- Elijah Laurant, Los Angeles, CA – This dude has a tutu on his neck. And then his arm. I’m not sure what’s even happening. He’s good I guess? I don’t know. I’m gonna go take a shower. This guy will be called The Tutu Tiger. Yes, I know. Tigers don’t have manes. But I like alliteration.
- Taylor Ward, Claremont, CA – I just threw up. Did you see that knee? You know, the 47 times it showed it? Ugh. So disturbing. She was good, I guess. I just kept waiting for her knee to give out, though. Ugh. I really can’t stop seeing it in my head now. She’s obviously now The Dislocator.
- Morris Isby, Sacramento, CA – You know, as much as I like hip-hop routines, sometimes this B-boy stuff doesn’t really do it for me. Too much running in place and spiining around on the ground. Also, I hate the word B-boy. This dude was really good, but seems a bit cocky, so he was already on my bad side. He didn’t make it through anyway, though, so yay.
- Armen “Armen Way” Avetiso, Glendale, CA – Obviously will be called The Russian Rapper. So apparently either all people who get famous in foreign lands are from Glendale. Or all famous foreign people move to Glendale? Either way, I don’t think I’d fit in there. This dude was okay, but it seemed more like most of his dancing was poses going, “Check out this chick now!” I’d put her through, and not him.
- Eric & Lorenzo Chapman, Pacoima, CA – The Great-one-eights, or something. These guys were somewhat entertaining, but I’m definitely glad they didn’t get put through. Didn’t do much for me, and their story wasn’t so exciting after watching the one big dude who auditioned last year and was doing back-flips off his elbows and what not.
What did you think? Agree with me, or am I a moron? Let me know in the comments below, and thanks for reading!