That’s a Wrap – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on March 27, 2013 · 9 comments

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Three days to competition.  Kelly and her girls walk in and apparently their late, so Abby gives Kelly shit about it.  Kelly’s pissed.  You know, even though Brooke isn’t even dancing this week and all.  Kendall and Jill are even later.  Abby doesn’t care as much.  But Kelly slams a door and sasses Abby while she’s at it.  Got her!

The girls go into the studio and Abby starts rehearsing the group number again.  You can already tell she’s uneasy about the current choreography.

Upstairs, Christi wishes she looked as good as Rachelle in a leotard.  Thank God you don’t look like Rachelle, Christi.  Kelly has an idea, though.  Wraps.  Not like what goes around a Kit Kat or some turkey wrapped in a tortilla, but like, some sort of thing you wrap yourself in to lose weight.  Doesn’t sound scammy at all, right?  Christi says “I don’t have a problem area.  I’m a problem.”  I’m with ya, lady.

Back downstairs, Abby is worried about Mackenzie in this one.  She doesn’t think she can do it.  LAME.  Mackenzie can do anything, dammit!!  Then Abby makes Chloe cry.  This bitch.

Chloe goes and cries to Christi, and Christi gives her one of her badass mom talks.  Christi is the shit.

Time for Maddenzie to rehearse.  Pretty sure they’ll be fine.  Mackenzie says she hates being compared to Maddie, because she’s not Maddie.  Thank God you’re not, girlie.

And now Chloe’s rehearsal.  She walks in.  Runs through her solo once.  And her rehearsal is over.  Good talk, Abby.  Chloe’s supposed to be in a rock show for this number, but the music is all fairy-like.  What the?  Some tweeps told me that this is because sometimes the show can’t get rights to music so they overlay something else.  I get that, but if that’s true, why didn’t they find another ROCK song, maybe?  Dumb.

Back from the commercial, and we’re all at Kelly’s house where the women are going to get wrapped.  They all decide to wrap different places.  Kelly is doing her ass.  Christi went with arms.  Holly went face.  Melissa’s boobs are all out and she shows them.  I grimace and peek through my fingers.  Hm.

Christi takes Kelly to the kitchen to wrap her ass.  Yeah, wrap that ass, girrrrrrrl.  I don’t know, just sounded like something a wrapper might say.   We also learn that Melissa and Kelly are often naked in front of each other.  So there’s that.

Melissa does her belly, but I’m pretty sure they’re just wrapping this chick in Saran Wrap.  Oh, and also, her husband wants to bang her when she gets home.  Someone’s gotta.

Back at the studio, Kendall rehearses her solo, which is all 20s like.  It’s high-paced and high energy.  Can she hack it?  We’ll see.

Time for more group rehearsal.  Abby still doubts Mackenzie.  She’s too short and she has a duet to worry about.  LAME!  Still.  So she pulls her.  Bullshit.  Kelly thinks it’s bullshit too and says so.  Melissa thinks it’s fine, which is weird.  Kelly is like, “Yo, this chick can’t even do the dance, but Brooke is sitting at home.  What the shit?”  Valid point.

After we all get to see Jennifer Love Hewitt in a commercial, we’re now in Grand Rapids for the competition.  It may be a rough day.  As Christi says, the group number has been re-choreographed “472 thousand times.”  And Maddenzie is doing their first number ever.  In order to prepare Kendall for her number, Abby has her just sit on the wall.  Feel the burn.  Jill hates it.  I think it’s fantastic.

Again, Abby is worried about Mackenize sucking it up.  She says she needs to keep up with Maddie.  Blech.

In the corner, Christi is coaching  Chloe on the attitude she needs to have for her solo.  It’s all rock-like, so she teaches her to stick out her tongue and give the death metal hand and all that jazz.  Much like my Twitter avatar.  Pretty sure I inspired this one.  Chloe’s got it covered.  Jill spies onto this conversation like a shady little harlot.

First up to perform is Kendall.  She does well, but she kind of bored me like always.  At least this one was peppy and more fun than usual.  Jill is pumped about it.

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  • Emily

    Asia could be hit or miss. She’s a cute little girl, but completely over the top. And her mom is a super stage mom. Way worse than Jill.

    And I agree with you. This does feel like the never ending season. In typical lifetime fashion, they’ll continue to over play it until the world is tired of it. And the past couple episodes have been boring. Same old shit. Abby is a bitch. Maddie is queen of the world. Chole can’t catch a break and everyone else is filler material.

  • DM

    Actually, that was the real music to Chloe’s solo. I found a video of it on youtube a while ago from someone who was at the competition. Here it is

    I’m sure the mothers will all have many complaints about Asia and get in many fights with her mother. Asia is good but I remember her being very full of herself and her mom Kristy was quite obnoxious.

    First Hadley, then Zack, now Asia. I’m still not sure why they think it’s necessary to bring all of these kids from AUCD on to Dance Moms.

  • Erin Fleeger

    Asia… wow. I have mixed feelings about her. SHE’S A PERFORMER… She will, hands down, blow Cathy & her Candy Apples out of the water. Granted, she’s a kinda full of herself – but she’s also a pretty good little dancer (emphasis on LITTLE). Her mom is a handfull. But I thought she was WAY better than Hadley’s obnoxious mom, Yvette. I doubt Asia will stay long.. Just like Sophia & Zack were on for like, 1 episode – which was fine by me… so I’m not worried.

    I just watched the episode tonight & I’ve already forgotten the group dance – so it must’ve been kind of mediocre in my book – that’s not to say it wasn’t well done by the girls. Mackenzie is cute in everything she does, but when Maddie comes on, I just kind of slip into a tv coma so @ risk of sounding like old school American Idol Randy Jackson, the duet was “just ok for me, man”. Kendall’s solo could’ve been so great… but I got bored in the middle. Always feels a little like she’s walking around or stopping or doing something where she stands still for too long… or maybe I dreamed that when I dozed off. But I thought the 20’s theme was cool & she looked fab.

    What I DO remember was Chloe’s solo. She totally rocked it – like we knew she would! She looked fabulous & danced it well. I loved the rock & roll hand gesture & the tongue, lol. Bad@ss Chloe… Bad@ass… I thought the same thing about the music though – it just didn’t correlate for me. I was hoping for a little more electric guitar to go along w/ the costume, but hey…. I’m not in charge… which is a shame… 😉

    Favorite line of the show was when Christi said, “I don’t have a problem area, I AM A PROBLEM!” – Christi is the sh*t!!!

  • Allison

    The funniest part is that Asia’s mom is named Christi too (but I think its a different spelling). I missed your recaps, your as funny as usual!

  • Heidi Creamer

    Ugh. You shouldn’t have asked for my opinion of Asia.
    It’s wrong of me to thing badly about a little girl, but her and her mother are TERRIBLE!
    She had the worst little attitude and throws screaming fits.
    Remember how Abby always said that Chloe has an attitude and runs her mouth, blah blah blah?! Well, evidently these are her redeeming qualities in Abby’s eyes!
    Apparently Abby loves how much attitude she has, and her “face”!
    I’m sure Abby will compare her “face” to Maddie’s “face” and tell the rest of the girls that they can’t compare!
    Also, Asia is like 7, and doesn’t have good technique, yet Abby loves her! Again, because of “the face”!
    Anyways, enough ranting about this child. Really, I know I shouldn’t talk about children, but this is one kid that I’m not a fan of!

    Also, love your articles! I always LOL (seriously. I laught out loud).

  • Kim Tauscheck

    This was the most boring episode ever. Well, OK, besides watching Abbie go on a date, watching Melissa try on wedding dresses (although Christi saying how it’s her 3rd wedding, isn’t this a little over the top? Cracked me up!) I’m getting tired of all the boring filler scenes. I thought Mackenzie looked great, as always. Maddie’s “wonderful face” to me always looks like she either is taking a dump, smells a bad Taco Bell fart, or has dog crap on her shoe. Same face every freaking time and it’s crap. (See what I did there?) Nia BELONGED at the top of the pyramid! She ruled that group dance and because of her Rosa Parks, they beat Cathy. She has become quite the badass lately. Love her, but Abby just doesn’t give her the credit. Chloe looked and danced great! I’m so glad she had a solo, she deserves it! But we know she will be at the bottom of the pyramid because of her “changing the dance”. Kendall bores me. When she or Maddie dance (who also bores me and her arrogance is horrible) I can fast forward on DVR. YAWN! I swear Melissa is knocked up. So many times this season her belly is like WHOA! I think they are bringing this Asia chick in because they know this season is so boring. They tried Sophia, but her mom didn’t go crazy like they hoped. So on to the next one!
    Your blog rules! I feel lost when you don’t blog! No one else shares my twisted thoughts so perfectly!

  • Lisa Davis

    I totally agree with you. I just can not stand watching Asia’s pouty face and her so called fierce attitude. I want to put her in a ballet class until she changes , okay, everything. Mackenzie is charming and adorable. This kid is annoying and needs a time out.

  • Lisa Davis

    Did anyone else want to duct tape Abby’s mouth at the end of the show? Eat crow Abby and admit that Mackenzie was great in the dance and the costumes were fine and you were wrong. I will have a fit if Asia drops in and takes away any of Mackenzie’s dances or parts in a group dance. Asia’s mom has no taste and that kid will end up dancing on a table in Las Vegas due to mommy dearest. And did anyone hear something about Abby preserving her dog? Now that really is gross.

  • Kayla

    I need you to update. OMG please. I haven’t been on twitter, so I can’t watch you live tweet. Throw me a bone.

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