Speed-Dating with a 50-Yard Line Girl – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on March 6, 2013 · 10 comments

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Anyway, it’s the next day now and Nia and Kendall rehearse their duet, which involves two shovels that look like those crappy plastic sand-digging utensils that you take to the beach to build sand castles, but they always bend like mad suck so much ass that you give up and start digging with your hands anyway.  The dance isn’t looking too good, and Abby makes sure they know it, of course.

Maddie’s rehearsal time, and she needs to work on some French word.  And she’s done.  Good talk.

Upstairs, Christi is worried that Jill is going to shit all over Holly in order to get Kendall to look better.  And speak of the devil, Jill walks down to the front desk where Gianna is sitting and asks her if she can do a private with Kendall to work on the duet.  So they go get Nia and go rehearse.  Oh wait, what?  They don’t get Nia?  So they work Kendall by herself.  On a duet.  Yeah, that makes sense.

The moms see this happening, and are understandably annoyed with Jill.  So Christi and Holly walk down to confront Jill, and Holly tells her that she thinks it’s shitty that they’re working on the duet without Nia.  Then Christi jumps in to instigate and I love it.

Later, Abby hands out the costumes and tells the girls that they need to get into this group dance.  They need to think of something super passionate, like Abby’s last date, she says.  But he’s in L.A., apparently and doesn’t want to go to Pittsburgh.  The girls chuckle and stare at their feet awkwardly while Abby tells this story that no one wants to hear.  One of the girls says she doesn’t blame him for wanting to stay in L.A.  Nice.

Upstairs, the moms talk about this alleged man, and Christi says he’s gay.  Jill is unsure, but Kelly says he for sure is.  I’m starting to think gay guys are her type.  Christi thinks maybe she’s his beard.  Interesting.

Then Abby tells the girls that the moms took her speed dating.  Kendall cracks up with a “what the hell??” look on her face, and apparently she’s the only one who knows what speed dating is, because the rest of the girls are like, “huh?”  So Abby explains it as the moms wonder upstairs whether or not she called any of the guys.  Christi then turns it into Abby having phone sex and my libido is dead.

So now it’s competition day and we’re in Bernardsville.  No mini-keg-yielding dogs to be found.  Abby is worried about being in New Jersey,  and Holly reminds us that that’s where Abby broke down after losing to the Dopey Apples.

In the dressing room, Nia is coughing like a 77-year-old 8-pack-a-day smoker.  Holly knows Nia is sick, but doesn’t want to play it up because she doesn’t want Holly to have another duet pulled on her.  Meanwhile, Abby calls over Maddie to ask if she knows the duet.  Why the eff would she know the duet?  Apparently she does know some of it.  Abby tells her to get Kendall to go over the duet with her.

Abby then sneaks Jill out in the hall and tells her that Maddie knows the duet if Nia can’t do it.  Jill says she’d rather Kendall just do it as a solo, because of course she would.

Jill goes back into the dressing room and says that Abby was just worried about Nia’s cough.  “Oh, are you Nia’s pediatrician?” asks Holly.  Got her.  Jill then tells Nia that she can back out if she’ not up to it.  Dude, Jill… Nia got made it through a debilitating disease.  I’m pretty sure she can handle a little bronchitis.

Mackenzie’s turn to perform now. She murders it and is cute as shit doing it.  Melissa thinks she nailed it, and I agree.  Nicely done, little chick.  Abby walks in and she’s pumped too.  She does think that Mackenzie doesn’t use her face enough, though.  What we need is more Maddies, huh?  Ugh.

Then Jill drags Kendall out to “go to the restroom.”  She’s actually having Kendall rehearse in the hallway, and they have Gianna help her out some more.  So Holly gets up to go see what’s happening and is sarcastically happy with running into Jill in the hallway.  Holly goes to get Nia and tells Abby what’s going on.  Even Abby thinks it’s retarded.  Holly tells Jill that it is in fact retarded.  Jill just says excuse after excuse and we’re all annoyed.  It’s nice to all be able to hate Jill again, though.

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  • http://twitter.com/Kris10Parsons44 Kristen Parsons

    I’m sorry, but “the mom gets sick, the man falls secretly in love with her, and the mom begs him to take care of her daughter” sounds suspiciously like Les Mis to me…

  • polifkaroad

    I am so glad I discovered your blog. Even though I watched the show, this recap is hilarious. i can’t wait for your two hour review.

  • Hayley

    My absolute favorite part of the episode was when Kelly made a comment up in the viewing booth near the beginning about how Abby shouldn’t wear her “Shamu Costume” (black and white tracksuit) on a date…couldn’t stop laughing!

  • Dance mom Ashley

    Love your recaps! Don’t ever stop. It makes me laugh that my straight husband who watches dance moms notices some of the same stuff you do that I would never see!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002198367567 Linda Allen

    Great post! I gave up on the show but I can’t quit you! Is Kelly divorced?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    LOL!!! You are right. But it was hard to see Brooke as the mom and Maddie as the daughter, I never would have figured out what this routine was suppose to be about as everyone looked like they were getting married that day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    Yes, she did look like Shamu!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    Did the preview of the next show look like the girls were in the army? And doing a hip hop number? As Maddie said, they do not hip or hop. Which makes me think they are going to suck as a group dance. I predict a whole lot of yelling and name calling for the next episode.

  • http://twitter.com/amaluu Amaluu

    I love this freaking blog. I am unnaturally obsessed with this show but I have some unpopular opinions … one being that I really liked the new blood on the show. I’m so tired of the Maddie vs. Chloe nonsense and the same old storyline being re-hashed. I liked having new characters but don’t want them to get rid of the original group. Would love to see more of their rivals from other schools maybe, or meet more characters from the rest of ALDC. Dunno. Also please just keep letting Mackenzie talk on camera. Srsly.

  • http://twitter.com/amaluu Amaluu

    Someone on twitter commented about how they keep walking around their house like the ALDC girls walk on and off stage. I laughed for like half an hour just imagining it.

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