Speed-Dating with a 50-Yard Line Girl – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on March 6, 2013 · 10 comments

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Anyway, Christi is saying it’s cool that all the girls haven’t had first love but will eventually, and that’s cool.  When and if I have a daughter, I will be saying the exact opposite.  I will hope my daughter never finds love.  Or maybe she can find love, but definitely not lust.  How am I already protective of someone who doesn’t even exist?  Hm.

So then it’s brought up, “Who was Abby’s first love?”  Kelly contends that no one has ever loved Abby.  Mean Kelly for the win.  The moms then decide she should do speed dating.  Kelly wants to join, and I could save her time if she’d just hit me up.  I’m quite a catch.

The moms look at some local singles on her phone, which in my experience is always just poorly-disguised porn advertisements, and they see a skinny dude. Kelly says Abby could never be on top.  Mean Kelly with two points.

Downstairs Abby dismisses the girls and then does some solo grinding and air-humping.  Frankly, I don’t know what the hell just happened.  Jill tells us that she’ll help out Abby find a dude to make Abby happy, which in turn will further Kendall’s dance career.  Nice logic there, Sweet Hat.  Then Jill asks her out to dinner.  Mkay.

Back in the studio the next day after the commercial, and Christi and Chloe are nowhere to be found.  Ruh roh.  The moms worry about how Christi is feeling about the way Chloe is being treated, but they all decide that it’s no worse than the way their daughters are being treated.

So Christi finally shows up and blames her tardiness on traffic.  The women inform her that there’s a limo coming tonight and they’re taking Abby out speed dating.  Jill then says some more crap, but I’m busy noticing that as she’s talking, Christi is just checking out Jill’s outfit like, “What the hell do you have on right now, woman?”  It looks like Jill’s collar threw up a dead raccoon.

Time to rehearse Mackenzie’s solo.  Oh, just go out there and smile and wave, Mackenzie.  First place.

So then the moms go downstairs to pull Abby away to go speed dating.  The limo waits out front, and Kelly tells Christi to come so that they can pretend Abby isn’t there together.  Abby sees the limo and hates it.  Go figure.  But wait, Abby calls Jill back in.  She doesn’t want to go anymore because Christi is going.  Rude.

Then even ruder, Jill just goes into the limo and tells Christi she has to get out.  So Christi sits alone upstairs and watches rehearsal.  That’s messed up.  Eff you, Jill.

In the limo, Kelly asks Abby what her type of guy is.  Abby says it’s a young George Clooney.  Young like E.R. or young like Roseanne?  Those are two very different young George Clooneys.  And he has to have perfect teeth and know five languages.  And can’t be pigeon-toed.  Should be easy to find.  Jill asks if she’s seeing one guy right now exclusively, and Abby says yes.  Yikes.

They get into the restaurant, and Abby just finds out at this moment that she’ll be speed dating, but she’s actually pretty pumped about it.  God help these poor desperate losers.  Her first guy is named Chris, and he owns his own tux, so it’s a possible match.  But has he been to Disney World enough times?  We may never know.  Jeez, it sounds like I’m making this crap up.

Next up is Carl, who left the rest of his hair at home.  He grew up around dance, so there’s a possibility.  Not sure he likes girls, though, and Abby certainly isn’t the one to go about trying to convert him.  Yeesh.

Then we have Daryl, who is a retired NFL player.  Color me interested.  He’s a black dude, and Abby makes sure to point that out right away.  Nice social skills.  But he turns it in to a “Once you go black” sort of joke, so he wins.  Abby is at a loss for words.  She says she’s a 50 yard line girl, and apparently that means she “did it” on the 50 yard line.  What the…?

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  • http://twitter.com/Kris10Parsons44 Kristen Parsons

    I’m sorry, but “the mom gets sick, the man falls secretly in love with her, and the mom begs him to take care of her daughter” sounds suspiciously like Les Mis to me…

  • polifkaroad

    I am so glad I discovered your blog. Even though I watched the show, this recap is hilarious. i can’t wait for your two hour review.

  • Hayley

    My absolute favorite part of the episode was when Kelly made a comment up in the viewing booth near the beginning about how Abby shouldn’t wear her “Shamu Costume” (black and white tracksuit) on a date…couldn’t stop laughing!

  • Dance mom Ashley

    Love your recaps! Don’t ever stop. It makes me laugh that my straight husband who watches dance moms notices some of the same stuff you do that I would never see!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002198367567 Linda Allen

    Great post! I gave up on the show but I can’t quit you! Is Kelly divorced?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    LOL!!! You are right. But it was hard to see Brooke as the mom and Maddie as the daughter, I never would have figured out what this routine was suppose to be about as everyone looked like they were getting married that day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    Yes, she did look like Shamu!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    Did the preview of the next show look like the girls were in the army? And doing a hip hop number? As Maddie said, they do not hip or hop. Which makes me think they are going to suck as a group dance. I predict a whole lot of yelling and name calling for the next episode.

  • http://twitter.com/amaluu Amaluu

    I love this freaking blog. I am unnaturally obsessed with this show but I have some unpopular opinions … one being that I really liked the new blood on the show. I’m so tired of the Maddie vs. Chloe nonsense and the same old storyline being re-hashed. I liked having new characters but don’t want them to get rid of the original group. Would love to see more of their rivals from other schools maybe, or meet more characters from the rest of ALDC. Dunno. Also please just keep letting Mackenzie talk on camera. Srsly.

  • http://twitter.com/amaluu Amaluu

    Someone on twitter commented about how they keep walking around their house like the ALDC girls walk on and off stage. I laughed for like half an hour just imagining it.

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