Speed-Dating with a 50-Yard Line Girl – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on March 6, 2013 · 10 comments

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Speed-dating.  War.  Shenanigans.  Just another week of Dance Moms.  Let’s get this party started.

Previously on Dance Moms:  A dog died, Christi and Kelly made up and harmony was restored, and Black Patsy wreaked havoc in the halls of a competition and in the hearts of children.

LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!  Never gets old.

Into rehearsal the moms and girls walk.  Abby tells them congratulations to win, but still pretty much tells them they were awful.  Kelly reminds Abby that they won by seven points, but Abby don’t give a shit.  Abby then takes aim at Chloe for doing the wrong choreography to the dance.  You know, the IMPROVISED dance that had no real choreography.  I guess “improvised” means two different things to people with and without brains.

Christi is annoyed with Abby picking on Chloe, but since Chloe has made it clear to her that she wants to do what it takes to get back into the favor of the devil, she just goes with it.

Pyramid time!  Paige is at the bottom. You know, because she’s a Hyland.  Next is Kendall, because her mom is annoying as balls.  Then it’s Brooke, because she’s also a Hyland.  Can’t go against the No-Hylands-Above-the-Bottom-Row Rule.

Starting the next row is Nia.  Abby thought Nia did well, so naturally she made her third place.  Second is my girl Mackenzie, because she continues to be cute as shit, and is becoming a badass little dancer at the same time.

That’s leaves Maddie at the top.  Three out of the last three weeks now.  Yippee.

Then Abby turns her attention to Chloe again and tells her that she’s still not on the pyramid and is lucky to even be there.  Yeah.  Lucky.

This week the girls will be going to Bernardsville, New Jersey, because apparently that’s a real place and it isn’t full of St. Bernard’s loafing around with little wooden mini-kegs strapped to their necks like I picture in my head.  Abby is worried about the fierce competition that will be there.  You know what they say about old Bernardsville and dancers.  Right?  Am I right??

Mackenzie doesn’t get to be in the group dance this week.  Boo.  But she gets a solo, so rock on.  The group dance is called “Your Dream is My Dream” and she’s having a boy join them.  Actually, her dream may be my dream now that I’m on a diet.  I dream about food all the time.

Mackenzie’s solo will be called “Love is War.”   I think “war” is a bit extreme for love, no?  Love is like an obstacle course.  Or a jungle gym.  Maybe a game of freeze tag?  I don’t know.  Maddie of course gets a solo too.  Abby wants to see if she can make it four for four.  Hers is called “Lifeline,” because she wants to be a millionaire.

And “hopefully there will be time to a do a duet,” whatever that means.   If there is, Nia and Kendall will do one called, “Dig It,” dig it?  Holly is worried about this because last time it didn’t go too well.  MONSTROSITY OF EVIL!!

The boy joining them will be Nick, who looks like a young politician that’s never seen a gym.  Not sure what the chicks see in this little fella, but I’m not a pre-teen girl, so there’s that.

The group dance is “musical theater in nature but is big and grandiose.”  You know, because musical theater isn’t known for being big and grandiose or anything.    The theme is pretty convoluted.  Maddie is Brooke’s daughter and Brooke is dying and Nick is carrying the dying mom.  Nick is secretly in love with him, and before she dies, she asks Nick to watch over Maddie.  And everyone else on stage is in love with him.  No way people will be confused by this goofy story in a two minute dance in which no one can explain what’s going on with words.

Up in the booth, Christi talks about how everyone has a sweet memory of their first love, even if it ends poorly.  Kelly disagrees.  Her first love sucked and her second love is dead, apparently.  But she’s not too bent out of shape about it, it seems.  She doesn’t seem too excited about her current love.  My first love was pizza, and we still share a long-lasting, secret, passionate relationship behind closed doors.

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  • http://twitter.com/Kris10Parsons44 Kristen Parsons

    I’m sorry, but “the mom gets sick, the man falls secretly in love with her, and the mom begs him to take care of her daughter” sounds suspiciously like Les Mis to me…

  • polifkaroad

    I am so glad I discovered your blog. Even though I watched the show, this recap is hilarious. i can’t wait for your two hour review.

  • Hayley

    My absolute favorite part of the episode was when Kelly made a comment up in the viewing booth near the beginning about how Abby shouldn’t wear her “Shamu Costume” (black and white tracksuit) on a date…couldn’t stop laughing!

  • Dance mom Ashley

    Love your recaps! Don’t ever stop. It makes me laugh that my straight husband who watches dance moms notices some of the same stuff you do that I would never see!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002198367567 Linda Allen

    Great post! I gave up on the show but I can’t quit you! Is Kelly divorced?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    LOL!!! You are right. But it was hard to see Brooke as the mom and Maddie as the daughter, I never would have figured out what this routine was suppose to be about as everyone looked like they were getting married that day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    Yes, she did look like Shamu!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    Did the preview of the next show look like the girls were in the army? And doing a hip hop number? As Maddie said, they do not hip or hop. Which makes me think they are going to suck as a group dance. I predict a whole lot of yelling and name calling for the next episode.

  • http://twitter.com/amaluu Amaluu

    I love this freaking blog. I am unnaturally obsessed with this show but I have some unpopular opinions … one being that I really liked the new blood on the show. I’m so tired of the Maddie vs. Chloe nonsense and the same old storyline being re-hashed. I liked having new characters but don’t want them to get rid of the original group. Would love to see more of their rivals from other schools maybe, or meet more characters from the rest of ALDC. Dunno. Also please just keep letting Mackenzie talk on camera. Srsly.

  • http://twitter.com/amaluu Amaluu

    Someone on twitter commented about how they keep walking around their house like the ALDC girls walk on and off stage. I laughed for like half an hour just imagining it.

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