There’s something about that first mowing of your grass after winter that makes you think that just maybe your lawn isn’t quite as shitty as you think it is. So as I sit here smelling of freshly mowed grass and my dog’s crap, what better is there to do than to write a recap of last night’s Dance Moms for you all? On we go.
Previously on Dance Moms: Chloe and Christi were “suspended,” Christi and Kelly hate each other (and we all hate it), and Abby ate a child.
LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!! Word.
So we’re at ALDC and in walk the girls and the moms, but no Abby. Christi has the idea we all had in college, which is that if the teacher doesn’t show up for a certain amount of time, you get to leave. It’ll never be known if that’s a real thing or not, I’m pretty sure.
But eventually in waddles Abby, and she looks super bummed? What’s wrong? Broadway Baby died. In case you don’t actually watch the show and you read this blog for some reason, Broadway Baby is… er, was… Abby’s dog.
Now let me preface this whole recap with this – It sucks losing a pet. I lost a dog couple years back, and it’s enough to even bring a tear to squirt out of my soul-less eyeballs. But we’re also talking about Abby here. The same Abby who treats everyone around her like a piece of Broadway Baby’s shit. So as I make fun of the situation, this is where I’m coming from. It sucks, but it’s Abby.
Anyway, she breaks the news to the group and everyone is all down about it now. Even Christi says how she knows how hard it is. Christi having sympathy for Abby? Weird. Apparently the dog had been lethargic, and eventually died of having a horrible name. Or kidney failure, depending on who you want to believe. But the dog was like a thousand years old (or 16, which I’m pretty sure is 1000 in dog years), so it’s not really a surprise that the dog went to the doggy afterlife.
So Abby is here to push through, and they’re going to go to St. Louis for a competition this weekend.
Pyramid time! Paige is the very bottom. What? Undeserving. Next is Brooke. Yikes, a Hyland base. Rounding out the bottom is Mackenzie, because Abby though he doing the same choreography as a 14 year old was great. So… she put her on the bottom? Sure.
Next is Kendall, who apparently is still on this show. She seems to have faded to the background over the past couple episodes. Then it’s Nia, who is all of a sudden front and center on the show. Sweet. Maddie is of course at the top, and barf.
Oh, and Chloe is still “suspended,” although she’s still in every group number. Okay.
Speaking of group numbers, the group number this week will be “My Dream Will Be Your Dream,” which is an epic love story. Abby thinks this will help her remember her dog. That’s normal. She already has the costumes all good and ready to go. Unfortunately, the dance is already bullshit because Mackenzie won’t be in it.
Also this week, Nia will get a solo. She’s on a roll. “Breaking My Heart” is the name. Maddie gets a solo too, because she’s effing Maddie.
And a reminder to the group from Abby: St. Louis is home of Kaya (or Black Patsy) and Nicaya. Abby is taking them there, and yet she begs the moms, “No Chaos.” It’s like putting a cake in front of Abby and begging her not to eat it. Come on.
So the girls begin their rehearsal. The dance is about some chick who’s diseased and is worried her disease will take her from the man she loves. Which is true if it’s an STD. Right? I mean, would you continue to be with a chick who had AIDS? Especially if you didn’t give her your AIDS?
As they rehearse, Abby just breaks down and leaves. Kelly is like, “Dude, it’s just a dog.” Oh, I’ve missed you, Mean Kelly.
The moms discuss this, and Melissa brings up the idea of the girls making a card for her. The Jill suggests they dedicate the dance to her. Then Jill tells us something that I can’t even hear because she’s wearing a stupid hat.