A Monstrosity of Evil – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on February 13, 2013 · 7 comments

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A monstrosity of evil.  Am I talking about Abby?  No.

I’m talking about Christi not being on the show.  That, my friends, is a monstrosity of evil.  This show needs Christi like Abby needs insulin injections.

Anyway, let’s get this rolling.  We have a 90 minute show ahead of us.  Good God.  Sorry for bailing the past couple weeks.  Two weeks ago the episode was just lame and last week I was mad busy.  But here I am, so let’s do this.

Previously on Dance Moms:  Cathy got a lame all-dude team, Jill is trying to be the new Melissa, and ALDC won the competition despite Chloe’s hat falling off mid-dance and Christi taking her and bolting.


So we get to the studio and Christi hasn’t shown up still.  Kelly thinks Christi is mad at her because she mentioned the hat coming off.  I don’t get it.  Paige is bummed to dance without Chloe, as she should be.

Pyramid time.  Abby starts  off with a pep talk calling them losers.  Excellent.  They only won by a tenth of a point, though, and apparently that’s not good enough.  Unless you’re in the Olympics, in which case you’ll take it.

Oh snap!  She’s starting from the top of the pyramid this time.  Who’s on top?  Kendall!  Wow.  First time ever.  How does it feel to be at the top of some arbitrary tool that no one cares about except for the people sharing a room with you right now?  Jill says this makes it all worth it.  She needs more to do.

Next is Maddie, and then Nia.  Abby thinks Nia fizzled and Maddie was okay.  Then it’s Paige, who Abby is tired of repeating herself to.  Mackenzie is next, and Abby calls her dead weight.  But Mackenzie just smiles, and I love her.

At the bottom is Chloe, who is suspended.  You know, suspended in the sense that she left and hasn’t come back.  Of her own accord.  Makes perfect sense.  Abby says she’s not allowed to come anywhere near the studio because she was such an embarrassment.  I don’t think she has to worry about that.

So when will Brooke finally get back on the pyramid?  Apparently right now, as she slaps Brooke’s picture over Chloe’s.  Yay, Brooke.  NOW GET CHRISTI BACK!!

This week, they’re going to some dance competition with some dopey name in Detroit.  I hear it’s nice there this time of year.  And effing Cathy is showing up again.  Thanks for creating the drama, producers.

Kendall will get a solo this week, and Paige and Nia will do a duet.  The last solo goes to Maddie.  Not because Maddie is great, but because she has no one else to give it to, according to (fl)Abby.

Time for rehearsal.  The moms go upstairs and the duet, called “the Wild Child and the Wallflower” is set to rehearse.  Upstairs, the moms ask Holly is Nia is pumped.  Holly says yes, but a bit reluctantly.  She says she’s nervous, because Nia has a neurological disorder called reflex neurovascular dystrophy, or RND.  Why we haven’t heard of this now, I do not know.  Apparently there’s a correlation between the disorder and stress, though, so why not put her on Abby’s dance team?

Holly is worried she’ll relapse because of the stress of not doing her best.  Nia also has an injured toe, but she doesn’t know if it’s a real injury or an RND psychosomatic-not-real-but-still-hurts sort of injury.

And now we flip over to Candy Apples in Ohio.  Yay.  Cathy is doing her stupid electro-pyramid.  Her boys are saying they got ripped off, and now there’s three dance dads and one dance mom.  Cathy then makes a joke about Abby being fat, but all I hear is, “MREHHHHH!” because I hate her.

No the top of her pyramid is…. Just kidding.  No one gives a shit about her pyramid.  She calls one kid a “hot young lad” and it’s creepy.

After the commercial, we get more explanation of RND from Holly, but you can Google that if you’re interested.  Long story short, it sucked balls for Nia and her family.  Nia is also afraid her “best isn’t good enough,” which makes me all sad and stuff.

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  • Emily

    1. “This show needs Christi like Abby needs insulin injections” a AMEN! I need Christi back.

    2. Sometimes I like Jill – but only when she’s nut sack crazy like she was last night.

    3. I don’t like to talk bad about children, but Vivi is the dopiest child I’ve ever seen and has absolutely no personality.

    4. Watching Gino made me extremely uncomfortable.

  • may

    Cathy made me so uncomfortable the whole episode. Stop calling young boys hot. Ew.

  • http://twitter.com/JubilationBells DM

    How are dance dads even a real thing? When I danced as a kid my dad’s involvement was signing the checks and being forced to sit through a recital once a year. We were both pretty ok with this agreement. Had my brother told him he wanted to dance I’m sure my dad would have lost his damn mind!

    Douchey dad, save your energy for when your son picks up a manly sport!

  • http://twitter.com/x0cherrychicx0 Megan Kelly

    i think this episode should finally be the last straw to get cathy and vivi off the intro!

  • Kaela

    Yay! You’re recaps are back! I was getting worried that they were gone forever.
    You’ve written down basically everything that went through my head during this episode, only way funnier.
    Just for future reference though, the 123412341234 thing that the girls did backstage is a warm-up technique often used by actors/dancers. It’s called Canadian Shakes.
    Great recap! Can’t wait to read next week’s!

  • http://www.facebook.com/tayvie.noon Tayvie Noon

    When you’re talking about little girls don’t refer to them as cute that makes you sound like a pedophile. I liked the blog though.

  • Paigealicious

    Cathy is my “nemis!”

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