Mockery!! – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on January 23, 2013 · 8 comments

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After the commercial break, we’re at Abby’s house.  Why, you ask?  To go through Abby’s garage.  Um.  Sure.

So the mom’s sort through Abby’s old shit with her in hopes to find old dance programs and props.  No thanks.  Christi is worried about getting Scabies (understandably) and apparently there’s rat crap everywhere.  Yum.  Melissa is all for it, turning suck-factor on full blast.

Then we hear a scream.  It’s Holly.  What the…?  Oh God.  This is what she saw.  In the picture.  I seriously would have thrown up and then ate it and thrown up again, just because that nastiness is worth two barfs.  I’d be outta there.  I almost threw up taking that picture.



That calls it quit at the Miller Casa for the moms.  Kelly makes off with a picture of Abby with a black eye so that she can pretend she gave it to her.  Sweet.

Back at the studio, it’s time to rehearse Mackenzie’s solo, called “Lemonade.”  Mackenzie then tells us she’s going to be a “big glass of (sung) L-E-M-O-N-A-D-E” and a little piece inside me dies of cuteness overload.  She’s getting a lot more skill too now, which is cool.  Abby lifts Mackenzie in the air to do a split, which looks awkward and weird.

Paige’s turn to rehearse.  Paige really wants to prove to everyone that she deserves to be there, but her arms are floppy.  Like Christi earlier, Kelly is actually okay with this criticism, because it’s legit.  She just hates when she criticizes her by calling her stupid and shit.

Melissa then tells the moms she’s going down stairs.  Why?  She just makes some insinuating faces, which I assume means she has to go pinch some dumpage.   Apparently I’m wrong, though, and the faces mean she’s going to do some more sucking up.

Meanwhile, Abby is yelling at the girls downstairs telling them that there are people with machine guns who won’t let them get out of their cars or something.  It makes no sense.

Okay, time to rehearse the duet, which will be called “Sugar and Spice.”  Kendall and Maddie giggle a bit, and Abby tells them to STFU, because Maddie used to be at the top of the pyramid and now she’s doing a duet with the lowly Kendall.  Not a laughing matter.  The moms are like, “Why the hell is that a downgrade?”

They ask this to Melissa, and she says it’s absolutely not a downgrade and she’s pumped about it.  Maddie thinks the dance is too easy, though.  Kendall is a little more worried because she’s more noticeable since there’s only two of them.  Drrrrrr.

Melissa is done sorting out the prop closet or something, and Abby stops by.  Abby asks her how she feels about the duet, and Melissa says she’s not happy about it, but it is what it is.  Keep that in mind.

Jill is pissed because she doesn’t want Kendall to feel like she’s the step down.  She confronts Abby about it.  Good idea.  “How do you think that makes Kendall feel?”  Abby says, “Yo chick, that’s what Kendall wanted anyway.  Step off.  And Melissa is the one who said it sucks that Maddie has to dance with Kendall.”  Ruh roh.  Melissa is “busted,” as Jill says.

After the commercial, we find out that still no one has heard from Sophia.  Apparently Chloe told Christi that the rest of the girls pretty much feel like Abby only cares about Sophia now.  Jill uses the opportunity to bring up how Melissa lied to her.   Christi and Kelly are like, “Whaaaaaaaaa???”

Then they tell her that Melissa told them the same story about Abby talking to her, but that Melissa’s response was, “Oh, I’m so excited about the duet!”  LIES!

Kelly’s logic is that Abby always tells the truth because she doesn’t care what anyone thinks, and Melissa always lies.  Valid points.

So all the moms go up into the booth, and Jill confronts Melissa.  Oh snap.  Melissa continues to lie, after responding first with a “Whaaaaat?” at a pitch that only dogs can hear.  Jill is pissed and Melissa is going to keep denying it, so it goes nowhere.  Womp womp.

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  • Hope Crawford

    This recap is tidy, yo. Lol.
    I’m actually beginning to like Maddie, which is totally weird because I have always disliked her. She’ll never be as awesome as Chloe, though.

  • Allison

    Love your recaps! You love Chloe and Mackenzie, starting to like Kendall, think Nia is overlooked, and you don’t like Maddie(‘s facial expressions), but what do you think of Brooke and Paige? You never really clearify.

  • Larissa Hipp

    It’s not just you. The show definitely needs to pick up.

  • Sara Rosenbauer

    Nicee recap again :) Poor Kendall was all I thought the whole time and I also thought “where are Chloe and Christi” because they were almost nonexistent Nia-style the whole episode. But apparently next week it starts to pick up! Woo!

  • Mary Beth Solomon

    This episode was mostly meh…the drama llama is getting so old. Abby will never admit that her name wouldn’t be out there without the girls and the moms. She totally believes that it’s the other way around. I think she keeps creating more drama so that people will continue to recognize her name, but in doing so she not only hurts herself but makes herself look like a total bitch as a teacher. She’s a very jealous, bitter lady who never got her time in the spotlight. Would love to see her genuinely happy for the girls but I won’t hold my breath.

  • DM addict

    New reader – and seriously missing your recaps!

  • Lisa Davis

    How did I miss this review? I remember thinking that Abby was making a fuss over a girl who was not there and that she did not know what immigration was about. The costumes were so bad that the poor girls looked like it was Halloween. Mackenzie was so cute and saved the day. I liked the duet and all the drama was really boring. Seemed even more staged than usual. But that rat scene was GROSS! Holly was smart to get out of there. Ever hear of the plague Abby?

  • RadRose

    I’m watching the reunion show last night and I found your recaps by searching ‘why does the music on dance moms always suck?’ – lol. I’m sure it’s some kind of copyright drama but I’m so over the shitty unheard of songs these kids dance to. I also HATE this producer who hosts the reunion shows. Someone needs to explain to him that he is NOT Andy Cohen! Ugh.

    Anyways, hilarious post. Mad tidy.

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