Mockery!! – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on January 23, 2013 · 8 comments

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A lot of drama that wasn’t really drama in this episode.  I don’t have a ton to say about it, s0 let’s get right to it!

Previously on Dance Moms:  Melissa was a suck up, Abby cut Brooke from the group dance, and Abby took credit for a dancer being good that she didn’t even teach.

LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!  Dammit.  Cathy is still on the introduction.  Someone tell the Dance Moms people that I’m unhappy with this, since apparently they don’t have the sense to read my recaps themselves.

Pyramid time!  Last place is… Chloe?  Horseshit.  Apparently she forgot her  choreo last week, but I don’t remember that.  I drank A LOT last weekend, though, so it may have happened.  Christi is actually okay with Abby’s criticism in this case, because she thinks Chloe needs to remember her shit as well.

Next to last is Nia, because, “Oh wait?  Nia is still in this group?  Hm.” says Abby.

Mackenzie is third to last.  Why?  Because Abby’s prop sucked balls and Mackenzie gets pinned for it.  Remember last week when the carpet wouldn’t unroll?  Yeah, that’s what Abby says she’ll never forgive Mackenzie for.  Apparently Mackenzie made a “mockery” of the routine.  Nevermind the fact that they never practiced with the stupid carpet in the first place.  And now Abby says Mackenzie won’t be in the group numbers going forward until “it’s appropriate” for her, whatever the hell that means.

Paige is next and Abby thinks she sucked last week.  Go figure.  She calls it “mediocre,” but we all know that means “shitty” to her.”

Maddie is next, and Abby calls her out for having Sophia’s hair, which is actually funny.  Abby tells her to worry about having Sophia’s moves and not the hair.  Nice.

Kendall is second,  and not much is said.  Sophia is at the top.  Not Maddie for once.  I’ll be damned.  But where the hell is she, anyway?  Los Angeles, shooting a movie.  I think it’s called, “Girl Who Spins Like Top” or something like that.  Sounds Native American.  A broadway spin on Dances With Wolves, maybe?

This week the girls will be going to North Carolina.  Wait… who wasn’t in the pyramid?  Brooke.  Dammit.  Abby asks her where she was this weekend.  She was doing schoolwork.  God forbid.  Abby says she’s not dancing this week.

The dance this week is called “Voyage Home,” and the girls will be immigrants.  Thank God she didn’t bust out her usual ignorant racism and say anything about a slave ship.

Paige is doing a solo this week. Interesting.  So is Mackenzie.  Woohoo!! Then a duet with Maddie and Kendall.  Hm.

The girls start warming up and the moms go up to the voyeur booth.  Since Jackie isn’t there and Kelly is back, they can take their all of their rightful seats back.

Abby is planning on Sophia coming back, and pretty much has the whole dance centered around her.  Go figure.  Brooke runs the music and Mackenzie pretends to be Sophia.  But she’s way cuter and doesn’t talk like a chipmunk that sucked some helium.

Now all of a sudden Abby has changed her mind, and the group dance is “very lightly” about immigration, and now more just about getting across the border.  I live in South Texas, so I know plenty of people who can tell you how to do that.

Melissa keeps calling Sophia “Sophie,” and I can’t help but wonder if she’s doing it just to spite her, or if it’s just some cute little nickname that she’s trying to get to catch on.  I’m going with spite.  She’s not a trend-setter.  Not like me, when I got everyone to start using “tidy” as a word for something cool.  “That shit’s tidy, dude!”  Okay, that didn’t catch either, but feel free to use it.

Kelly is mad (rightfully) because Brooke is just sitting out and Abby isn’t even trying to get better.  How the eff is she supposed to get better?

Melissa suddenly realizes Maddie’s hair is in fact like Sophia’s.  Drrrrr.  Jill asks if she thinks Maddie is pissed that she doesn’t have a solo, and with the fakest smile ever, Melissa says, “No way, dude.  She’s pumped that she gets to dance with your shitty daughter.”  Not verbatim, but that’s what her face said.  She did say, “Tickled pink,” though.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/hope.crawford.39 Hope Crawford

    This recap is tidy, yo. Lol.
    I’m actually beginning to like Maddie, which is totally weird because I have always disliked her. She’ll never be as awesome as Chloe, though.

  • http://twitter.com/atriplea3 Allison

    Love your recaps! You love Chloe and Mackenzie, starting to like Kendall, think Nia is overlooked, and you don’t like Maddie(‘s facial expressions), but what do you think of Brooke and Paige? You never really clearify.

  • http://twitter.com/LaraDancer22 Larissa Hipp

    It’s not just you. The show definitely needs to pick up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/srosenbauer Sara Rosenbauer

    Nicee recap again :) Poor Kendall was all I thought the whole time and I also thought “where are Chloe and Christi” because they were almost nonexistent Nia-style the whole episode. But apparently next week it starts to pick up! Woo!

  • http://twitter.com/solommb Mary Beth Solomon

    This episode was mostly meh…the drama llama is getting so old. Abby will never admit that her name wouldn’t be out there without the girls and the moms. She totally believes that it’s the other way around. I think she keeps creating more drama so that people will continue to recognize her name, but in doing so she not only hurts herself but makes herself look like a total bitch as a teacher. She’s a very jealous, bitter lady who never got her time in the spotlight. Would love to see her genuinely happy for the girls but I won’t hold my breath.

  • DM addict

    New reader – and seriously missing your recaps!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Davis/100000645975537 Lisa Davis

    How did I miss this review? I remember thinking that Abby was making a fuss over a girl who was not there and that she did not know what immigration was about. The costumes were so bad that the poor girls looked like it was Halloween. Mackenzie was so cute and saved the day. I liked the duet and all the drama was really boring. Seemed even more staged than usual. But that rat scene was GROSS! Holly was smart to get out of there. Ever hear of the plague Abby?

  • RadRose

    I’m watching the reunion show last night and I found your recaps by searching ‘why does the music on dance moms always suck?’ – lol. I’m sure it’s some kind of copyright drama but I’m so over the shitty unheard of songs these kids dance to. I also HATE this producer who hosts the reunion shows. Someone needs to explain to him that he is NOT Andy Cohen! Ugh.

    Anyways, hilarious post. Mad tidy.

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