Just Like the Good Old Days! Sort of. – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on January 16, 2013 · 13 comments

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Well that didn’t take long at all.  Let’s get right to it.

Previously on Dance Moms:  Kelly still gone, there’s some new bitches, and Abby ate a child.  I think.

LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!!  Still my jam.

First things first.  Why are Cathy and her mutant child still on the intro?  No one cares about them and if they’re on the show, it’s for like three minutes each time.  Boo.

We start the show at ALDC, where Sophia and her mom show up.  Of course Abby is super sweet to them because she has raging dance teacher wood for Sophia.  In walk two of the other two moms and their dancers.  They get into the studio to start warming up.

Meanwhile the Real Dance Moms show up outside.  And who is with them?  Kelly!  Woohoo!  Kelly is giving in since the moms won’t go back without her.  Christi says she won’t sign anything until Abby lets Kelly back.  The rest of the moms agree.  For now.

Inside, Abby gets on the phone to dial up Shelly (mom of Ally), who hasn’t shown up yet an hour into rehearsals.  Last competition, the other new moms basically told Shelly that Ally was the reason they got second place, which is what Shelly tells Abby on the phone.  “Where’s Ally, Holmes?”  They’re back in New Orleans.  “Why the H for??”  Oh, because the other moms are bitches?  Got it.  “Welp, see ya later!”

Abby is pissed, so she goes in to harass the other new moms.  “So I hear you guys were being bitches.”  Yes.  Yes they were.  And BAM!  Just like that, Abby kicks out the new moms, minus Sophia, because the wood is still raging.

So with Sophia conveniently being the only one left, there’s no room for more dancers.  Hm.

The Real Dance Moms walk up to the door of the studio, but Kelly remains outside cowering behind a van.  Abby sees the moms and says to quit being weird and loitery, and come in or stay out.  Not knowing if they’re welcome, Holly asks if they’re allowed.  Abby says it’s not church (but isn’t everyone welcome in church?  I mean, as long as you’re not gay?).  Holly says God is always on her side, to which Abby quips under her breath “God is always on your thighs.”  I think it’s a fat joke, but it sounds like a movie that would come on late at night on Cinemax.

Time for a standoff at the front desk.  Apparently at the beginning of each dance season, the moms have to sign a year-long contract saying they’ll stay forever or something.    A bit of a big deal.  “Where is Kelly’s?”  She called Abby names and her kids are lazy slugs.  Totally.

So Abby starts working them.  She will crumble this impenetrable fortress.  First Jill goes down.  She needs her kid to dance.  And then Melissa falls.  This shit is weeeeak.  Holly and Christi decide there’s nothing more they can do, so they sign up.  “Will you listen to Kelly’s plea to get back on the team”  She will.  So all the moms have signed except for Kelly, and in she walks.

Abby asks her why she wants to come back when she knows she hates.  Kelly tells her straight up that she doesn’t want to come back, but her girls do.  Abby is still bitter about being called a fat whore or something, so Kelly tells her they need to put the past behind them.  Bam.  Back on the team.

PYRAMID TIME!  Just like the old days.  Kind of.  Sophia and her mom are still there.  Eight girls on the team now.

So let’s take a look at this pyramid.  Um.  That’s not so much a pyramid.  It’s a line with one on top.  Who might that be?  Sophia, of course.  DANCE WOOD RAGING!!

The moms are all a bit leery of the niceness of Jackie (Sophia’s mom).  I’m with them.  This can’t last.  She’s one Second Place away from going bat shit crazy.

This week they’re going to Ohio and are going to perform “Red Carpet Special.”  This is creepily close to “Red Light Special,” but whatevs.  Sophia will do a solo (of course) called “Superstar.”  Fitting.  Apparently this little chick can do 54 turns in a row.  What the mother eff?

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  • Lucy

    If Abby really wants to do anything for Sophia.. Put her in a ballet/technique class.. The only people who start their turns like Sophia are people who can’t dance. For all of the tricks she can do (yes tricks- that’s no dancing), her technique is not great. Chloe’s is much better even if she can’t do the things that wow the judges like Sophia.

  • http://twitter.com/JubilationBells DM

    Is it bad that as soon as they started talking about props/trouble with props I thought, Why don’t they just paint Vivi red and have her lay on the floor? It would make up for them being too cheap to change the intro.

  • http://twitter.com/EmilyF725 Emily

    Dance wood! Perfect. I just snorted in laughter at my desk. Worth it. And in Christi’s defense, she warned us on twitter that she was going to be a bitch in this episode. I actually feel really bad for Sophia. She’s an amazing dancer but she’s missing out on so much of her childhood by only going to “school” 2 hours a week and spending the rest of her time training.

  • sgwwgs

    Valid point.

  • sgwwgs

    A day that I make someone snort is a good day.

  • sgwwgs

    Yeah, I kind of agree. She’s crazy good at what she does, but I feel it’s not really “art.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/hope.crawford.39 Hope Crawford

    The part about home schooled kids, I died laughing. That’s right. My heart stopped and I literally had to be revived…. Nah, just kidding. Probably my favorite recap of yours so far! Keep em’ coming!

  • http://twitter.com/swimmomlori Lori Lender

    she just spins like a top…

  • Eden Marie

    I don’t know if you saw this, but Angel Armas from Dancemoms Miami twitted this yesterday, “Yeah @Dancemomchristi she sure did talk about @ItsMiaDiaz #dancemoms” Soooo Jackie was lying!!

  • Flying

    There’s just something that really bothers me about Sophia’s mother, I mean you’re investing a lot in your kid’s dance career if she only goes to school two hours a week. What if she gets an injury that means she can never dance again? Things like that happen all the time and it’s scary to think the kid has no future if the whole dance thing doesn’t work out, you can’t get a career that can support a family without at the very least a high school diploma these days.

  • http://www.facebook.com/srosenbauer Sara Rosenbauer

    I am surprised you didn’t argue about Kenzie not dancing at all in the group dance…aren’t you her overprotective father?! 😛

    One of the better episodes..Poor Chloe though..Abby saying she did awful :/

  • Lisa Davis

    I thought she said two hours Monday – Friday, which is still only 10 hours a week. If she lives in California, then she will still have to take the same standardized tests. More than likely she has a private tutor. Children are required by law to be in school so if Sophia is not learning, her home schooling will end.

  • Lisa Davis

    ROTFL!!!!

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