Heyyyy everyone! Been a while, huh?
Well, we’re back for another season of Dance Moms. It may get interesting with no Kelly or Brooke or Paige, plus some new chicks who may or may not suck. So kick back and relax with me as we journey through another painful season. Without further ado, let’s get on to the season premiere recap!
Last season on Dance Moms: Cathy was a bitch, Abby yelled a lot, Kelly contemplated pulling her girls out of the studio, and the girls won a national title.
So here we are back at the studio. Beautiful Pittsburgh. Home of cinder block dance studios and trains that look like they haven’t been updated since 1973. All of the moms pull up, sans Kelly (tear).
In walks Abby to the studio. Pyramid time!!! Abby grabs the photos of Brooke and Paige off of the mirror and throws them into the garbage. WTF?? She says without Kelly she can’t do the pyramid, which really makes no sense. She says there’s not enough people. I don’t get it. If there’s a race with five people, and second and third place drop out, then fourth and fifth just become second and third. There’s really not a whole lot to it, lady.
Anyway, Abby is pissed that the Hylands are gone, and doubly pissed because apparently in the offseason Abby went to L.A. and hired some guest choreographers in her stead, but none of the girls showed up to use them. Bitch, that’s like taking summer school. Eff that.
One thing Abby keeps saying is “You’re only good as your last performance.” Um… hey Abby… they’re last performance won nationals. Just sayin’. I think if you’re statement is true, then they might be pretty good. I don’t know.
So Abby pulls of the rest of the photos and says, “Eff pyramids.” “How can you throw away all that they worked on last year?” asks Holly. “Like this.” BAM. In the trash. Rude.
The moms go up to the voyeur booth and Abby continues to scold the girls. Chloe has her hand up, for some reason unbeknownst to anyone, especially Christi, who wonders if her daughter has lost her marbles. “Mackenzie is the only smart one. ‘I’m little and ‘m standing behind everyone.'” Mackenzie! My girl.
Abby doesn’t know how she’ll assign solos this week. She wants to get the group set first and then figure out the rest. It’s some Angels and Demons routine that they already know, apparently, but with the Hylands gone, it screws everything up and Chloe will be the only Angel. Angel and Demons. “See how people not showing up affected you?”
Christi points out via an awesome hoity-toity Abby impression that Kelly left the studio. Abby didn’t kick her out. All of the moms agree that Kelly won’t come crawling back.
Hey, Abby really did change it to “Angel and Demons.” I guess it makes sense. During rehearsal, Abby says, “You’re coming too soon,” which makes me giggle like a third grader in sex ed class. In the booth, Jill let’s the women know her biggest dream in life: For Kendall to get to the top of the pyramid. Wow. I guess it’s easier to step over that proverbial bar when you just lay it on the ground.
Abby then let’s the girls know that she’s going to hold an open audition and that she hopes the girls will be a billion times better than the Hylands. Jill is worried (as always) that Abby will like a new girl better than Kendall. People are at this audition from all over the country, and even Australia if I’m to believe what @arabella_louise on Twitter told me.
That auditions go on, and I’m bored. Commercial.
Back at the auditions, Abby tells us she’s looking for beautiful legs, gorgeous feet, excellent flexibility, and a great ability to comprehend quickly. Same thing I’m looking for really. Mins the comprehension thing. That shit is not important.
Shitloads of moms in the booth right now. Some rando mom asks Hedgehog mom why she left their kids in L.A. A little backstory on this would help, but I guess the producers just figured we know stuff or something. Anyway, Hegdehog mom tells her that she’ll do whatever she damn well pleases and asks Rando why she’s even here.