The Last Text (And Episode) – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on September 13, 2012 · 1 comment

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Previously on Dance Moms:  Maddie cried, they danced, some people may not dance this week.

LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!  My jam.  One last time this season.  Sigh…

They’re still at Millennium Dance Studio this week.  The girls and moms come into the studio for Pyramid and their weekly anti-pep talk.  This week, they’re staying in L.A. yet again.  I hear it’s very affordable there.  Abby tells them that this week they’re going to perform in the most famous zip code, when Melissa gets kiddy and yells out “90210!” and totally steal Abby’s thunder.  Livin’ in Beverly Hills!!  Sorry, apparently I have Weezer Tourette’s.

Pyramid time!  Paige is at the bottom.  Why?  She forgot her dance last week.  Wait, she did?  Does anyone remember this?  It becomes a key story line throughout this episode, and I had no idea it even happened.  Nia is next.  Abby thought she could have been better, even though she kicked ass.  Next to her is Chloe, because 6th is just not good enough.  Kendall rounds out the oblong bottom of the pyramid.  Abby liked Kendall’s dance, but Jill thinks she should be higher on the pyramid.  Barf.  She’s higher than Chloe.  Shut it.

Brooke starts the second row, in third place.  Brooke won last week, but Abby thinks she’s lazy and capable of more.   Brooke don’t give a shit.  Mackenzie is in second place, because she’s cute as shit.

Maddie is of course at the top, because she made just enough dopey faces during her dance to woo the judges into submission.

Everyone is in the group routine this week, which is “very disturbing” according to Abby.  It’s called “My Last Text.”  Abby says it should leave the judges feeling something.

Also this week, Mackenzie will do a solo, as will Maddie and Brooke.  Paige has no solo, and the final solo spot will be competed for by Nia, Kendall, and Chloe.  They’ll all learn the same thing and then Abby will decide.  I hear this is great for morale.

Jill is upset.  She wants Kendall to have a solo, because she deserves it.  Dude, Jill.  Just be happy for once.

The girls begin their group number rehearsal.  It’s about texting and driving and smashing your car into smithereens.  Good times.  Paige is the driver, and she just sits there the whole time.  Because you know, when you get in a wreck, you generally just sit there and do nothing.  Abby describes the dance as the girls being on their phones and taking pictures of each other, because that’s what little kids do.  You know what little kids don’t do?  Drive.

Outside, the moms talk about how retarded it is that the girls are competing for the solo, and that they know Abby already knows who she wants to do the solo (Chloe).  Jill thinks it’s “horseshit” because Kendall deserves it for beating Chloe last week.  Ugh.

All of the sudden, the girls bust outside to their moms, all talking about how creepy and weird their dance is.  As Christi so aptly puts irt, “What the hell kinda dance is this?”  They also bring up how Paige doesn’t really dance the whole time, and she looks super bummed about it.  Holly tells Paige she needs to stand up and say something.  Kelly knows it’s a losing fight.  Paige tries it with Abby, but she’s smacked down.  Abby says she doesn’t trust her because she forgot her dance last week, which I still don’t believe actually happened.

Inside, Christi helps Chloe rehearse her solo.  Christi gets all Dance Mommy on her, critiquing her with sarcasm and a raised voice.  She even says “pooping” which automatically makes and scene at least 37% better.  The good part about Christi is that she never talks about how bad SHE wants things to happen.  When she pushes Chloe, it comes from a good place.  She wants Chloe to do well because Chloe wants to do well.  If Chloe didn’t give a shit, neither would Christi.

Commercial break.  For the record, Lifetime’s new slogan is retarded.  Your Life.  Your Time.  You could use it with any station.  Your Music.  Your TV.  Your Home.  Your Garden.  Your Fox.  Your News.  Anyway, I digress.

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