I Ain’t No Doctor – A Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on August 29, 2012 · 0 comments

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Here’s the definition of love:  A man buys Madden 13 the day it comes out and doesn’t play it because he’s writing a Dance Moms recap for his readers.  Don’t say I never did anything for ya!

Previously on Dance Moms:  Recital was good, Jill got annoyed about stuff, Leslie was an A-hole, and Maddie got a scholarship.

LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!  YES!  (It’s possible that I danced a little when I heard it this time)

So time for the first rehearsal of the week.  Abby tell the girls that they did awesome (for once) and that they showed Pittshburgh what’s what.  Apparently Abby has the memory of a goldfish and forgot the horrendous hip hop routine from last week. (shudder)

And NOW!  We begin the road to nationals.  They’re traveling to Hollywood this week for competition.  No big deal.

Pyramid time!  Paige is at the bottom.  Poor gimpy Paige.  Can’t even climb higher on the pyramid with that broken foot.  Next to her is Brooke, because “The hip hop dance wasn’t really her thing.”  Or anyone else’s, Abby.  And the last person on the bottom?  Mackenzie!  NO!  Dammit!!  Why, Abby?  Whyyyyy??  The hip hop choreography was over her head?  Jeebus.  It’s like she didn’t watch the thing.

Nia is in third place.  She got a scholarship that no one was expecting her to get at the recital, so naturally Abby moved her to third place.  And in second place?  Chloe.  She nailed her newly learned part in the Hobo Chick Dance, and still get second.  Why is that?   Because Maddie got first.  And why did Maddie get first?  Because she won the scholarship in her age group.  Yeah… the scholarship that Abby gives her also gives her first place on the pyramid.  Makes no sense.

Kendall still hasn’t made the pyramid, which gets a nice eye-roll from Jill.  She is invited to go to Hollywood to dance with them, though, as if Jill wouldn’t have shown up regardless.

This week Mackenzie will have a solo (Yes!), as will Nia and Chloe.  She didn’t give one to Maddie because she still is holding a grudge about Maddie turning down a solo a couple weeks back.  Apparently she can remember when people wrong her, but not when people do the weakest hip hop numbers known to man.

Up in the booth, Kelly mentions how Paige may still not be able to dance, but she has an appointment with the doctor the next day, so here’s crossing our fingers.

The group number this week is called, “I Can See the Kite Flying.”  Sounds like it should be something out of Mary Poppins, but instead it’s something off of American Horror Story.  It’s by the same “Where Have All the Children Gone” guy.  Whenever I type that name, I get that Paula Cole “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” song stuck in my head, but I replace “Cowboys” with “Children.”  The girls are supposed to be in an insane asylum and they’re all nuts.  Not sure what the real point is, but it’s creepy as hell.  Brooke agrees with me.  She thinks it’s creepy but she’s confused about the point.

At this point, into the studio walks Kaya and Nicaya, who we met at the end of the recital last week.  They want to join the team, and for some unknown reason, Abby is all for it.  Oh hey, Gianna sighting!

So New Mom and New Girl walk into where the girls are rehearsing, and Abby tells us how Nicaya actually comes recommended by one of Abby’s respected colleagues.  I think by “respected colleagues” she means “producers.”  She invites Nicaya to dance right away, and Kaya goes and sits up with the other moms.

Kaya is from St. Louis.  Why the hell is she here?  The moms ask her what she thought of the recital last week.  Kaya responds that the girls are talented dancers but they have no entertainment value.  That’s textbook “getting off on the wrong foot.”  Good job, lady.

This is also the first time we here the word “Divatude” and I already never want to hear it again.  Kaya defines it as “when you’re born with it and just know you have it.”  What the eff?  She doesn’t even know how to define her own stupid word.

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