I woke up to realize this morning that I’ve been married for three years today. Sure, I could do something super sweet and loving for my wife. But really, when you sit and break it down, what better way is there to celebrate than to sit down and write about all other drama on Dance Moms last night? Am I right??
And what a night it was. Pretty intense, huh? Let’s get to it.
Previously on Dance Moms… Paige broke her toe, Kelly kept both daughters out from dancing, and Christi went nuts on Abby.
LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!! Yes.
Here we are at ALDC. In they walk, with Paige in her little boot. Last week, ALDC dominated, and Abby wants to keep it that way.
Pyramid time. Kendall is still a guest, Abby says, so she gets no place on the pyramid. I’d stay a guest if I were you, Kendall. That pyramid is one more level away from eating disorders and suicide. Issues will be caused by this thing.
Brooke gets last place, because she didn’t dance. Paige is next to her, because she’s hurt. Both Hylands at the bottom again. As Kelly says, Paige didn’t even dance and she beat Brooke. What the eff?
Speaking of weird, I just realized I had a dream that I had lunch sitting next to John McCain and dinner with the guy who used to be on that show Major Dad. Weird. And John McCain was all happy and jovial and shit. Okay, moving on.
Also at the bottom? Mackenzie. NOOOOOO!!! Apparently Mackenzie cried after she got second place, and they never showed that to us that I recall. But Abby wasn’t having that shit. Save your tears for the pillow, and for your future relationships where you just totally lash out guys for no reason because you’ve held onto this weird pent up second place aggression for so long.
In third place is Maddie. Boom! Why? Because she only won by six and a half points, and that’s just not effing good enough. Like Maddie cares about the pyramid. I think I may have even seen her move her hand in a dismissive beating off motion when Abby was talking. Next to her is Chloe. She did well, but she wasn’t intense enough.
Wait… who’s left to be at the top? Hmmm… I can’t figure it out. Wait, what? Nia? No way she’s at the top. Holy shit! She’s at the top! And Abby just said she’s so proud of her. Weeeeiiiiiird. Holly called Nia being at the top of the pyramid a “long awaited dream.” Okay, I don’t know that I’d go that far, lady. It’s a pyramid inside a dance studio that a very limited number of people in this country even know about. Let’s get some higher goals, eh?
This week Nia is the dance captain! But this isn’t a good thing, Abby says. Ten times more work. then Nia talked for more time than we’ve ever seen her talk in two seasons. That was weird. And also this week, the girls will be Starbound in Myrtle Beach, SC. It’s a rough life. Kendall will have a duet with Mackenzie and Chloe has a solo.
This week’s group number is called “Taken.” It’s about four little girls who are all dressed the same and watching this other little chick dance around however she wants and wearing something else. The girls want to be like her and just can’t. So what do they do? They drag her down to be like them. Sounds interesting enough. So let’s get Dance Captain Nia in there in the starring role and get this started!
Wait, what? Maddie is playing the role of the girl that everyone wants to be like and just can’t? Hm. Typecast? Poor Nia.
The moms head up to the booth, where Christi is nervous, because she knows Abby wants a clean sweep this week and she didn’t give Maddie a solo. That means all of this added pressure is put on Chloe to dominate. Christi also asks Jill why the hell she was at Pyramid again. Jill says Abby invited her there. Hmmmm…
Downstairs, Abby sarcastically thanks Kendall for getting to clean up all of her shitty habits that got shittier when she went over to Candy Apples. Abby then reminds us that Kendall is still just a guest. A guest who dances every routine with them, gets a duet two weeks in a row, and is invited to pyramid. Make yourself at home.