Livin’ on the dance floor!! So good. That may or may not be the best song ever created.
So I told you all on Twitter that there was no way that I was going to write this recap without knocking out five of my beers. Well, being the overachiever that I am, and because I love you all so dearly, I knocked out a whole sixer. Thank God my wife will be reviewing this in the morning, because I have no idea what I’m even typing right now. Enjoy!
Previously on Dance Moms…. Blah blah blah, Jill is annoying, blah blah blah, Jill is still annoying, blah blah blah, broken toes.
So, as always, we start with the pyramid. Where the eff are Paige and Kelly? And if they’re not here, how the hell did Brooke get here? Hm. Apparently they’re at the doctor, after Paige backflipped her toes through the back of her heel last episode. Crunch.
Now all of the sudden Abby is saying how she told Paige not to do it and a bunch of other crap. Whatever you say, Abby.
“Where’s Jill?” they ask. Well, apparently Jill isn’t a part of the actual team. And yet, somehow she’s going to dominate this whole episode with her annoying presence. Good times.
Last week the girls kicked ass. This week? Philadelphia. The city of brotherly love, or as it’s better known, the home of Fresh Prince.
Okay, actual pyramid time now. Who’s last? Paige. Damn. Poor girl breaks her damn toes and gets shoved to the bottom. Bullshit.
After her? Mackenzie! DAMNITALLTOEFFINGHELL!! Sorry. Putting my girl on the bottom row. Psh.
Last on the bottom is Chloe, because Abby didn’t let her do shit last week. Meh. Whatevs, Abs.
On to the second row. Brooke. Because she had maturity in rehearsal all last week. Um…. sure. Next to her, in second place is Nia! Niiiiaaaaa! Nicely done, chick. She killed that Laquifa crap.
And at the top? Guess. Yup. Freakin’ Maddie. That’s all I have to say about that.
This week everyone will be in the group dance, except Mackenzie. Boooooo. On the bright side, she’ll have a solo. So will Brooke. Brooke will be doing the “Diary of Anne Frank.” Brooke knows who Anne Frank is, but has no idea what she has to do with dance. I’m with her. Is Brooke just going to spend the whole song pretending she’s being super quiet in a secret hiding place?
Apparently Chloe has been begging Abby for years for her to do a duet with Paige, and Abby decides that now is that perfect time to make those little dreams come true. Oh wait, what? Paige is probably out for a while with an injured foot? Yeah, good timing there, Abigail. No chance that was planned to piss of people or anything.
The moms go up to the booth and talk about how they’ve waited forever to get this duet together, so Christi hopes Paige shows up soon, and hopefully unscathed.
In rehearsal, Abby wants them to focus more on ballet, and they need to do it right. I guess Abby knows how it’s supposed to look, but thinking about her doing it only brings about thoughts off hippos in tutus, which is also pretty damn awesome.
The group number is called something French that I can’t type because have no idea what the hell she just said.
Oh, it’s Kelly and Paige. What’s the verdict? Oh snap. That shit is broke. What’s the prognosis, doc? Oh snap! She’s out for four to six weeks. On the bright side, the producers of the show won’t have to think of ways to not include Paige anymore.
Abby is dumbfounded, so she responds by rubbing it in that the duet with the girls is blown now. She also thinks that Paige should continue to come to rehearsals because she’s “part of the team,” which means A) she wants her money, and B) Paige contractually has to continue to be on the show.
Kelly walks up to the booth into a choir of “awwwww”s and tells them how Abby says that Paige screwed up the long-anticipated Paige-Chloe duet. She then notices how Brooke’s hip really looks like it’s causing her pain, so there’s no way she’ll get through an acro routine. Christi then makes an Abby fat joke, which will always be funny.