Previously on Dance Moms… Leslie was annoying and stupid.
LIVIN’ ON THE DANCE FLOOR!! Sorry. But I’m really not. That crap will never get old to me.
Of course we start the show with the pyramid, and Holly is nowhere to be found for some reason. Christi assures us that she’ll be here, and then Holly not being there has absolutely no explanation or bearing on the storyline of the episode, so I thought it was strange to start the show that way.
Last week the chicks rocked, and as they discuss the upcoming week, Jill (sporting new hair and some possible facial reconstruction) shows up to interrupt. You know Jill, right? Fake-looking face, traumatized daughter, really annoying? Yeah, her.
So she walks in like she owns the place and tells Abby that she made a mistake leaving ALDC and wants Abby to make a spot on the team for her prop of a daughter. The girls get a kick out of Jill coming in and acting a fool and are all giggly and shit about it, which makes me laugh.
Abby’s like, “Look, chick, we’re a bit busy here and you’re annoying as balls. Get out and maybe I’ll talk to you later.” Abby is actually mindblown about this, which is enjoyable to see.
The great part is that Jill even had the gall to send in Kendall with her headshot to try and stick onto the pyramid. Wow. What a dummy.
But then Abby lets Kendall rehearse with them. A little strange, don’t ya think? The whole thing seemed a bit staged to me. And this all happens conveniently right after they get rid of Neanderthal Dancer and Hedgehog Mom.
So back to business, the girls are heading to Star Power in Lancaster. It’s right down the road, but apparently there’s gonna be a lot of good dancers there. But that’s what Abby always says, so who knows.
On to the pyramid!!
At the bottom is…. Mackenzie?!?!?! NOOOOO. You’re so stupid, Abby! Mackenzie will win first place by existing. Have you looked at her? She’s like a kitten playing with yarn on top of a rainbow! You trippin’, Abigail.
Next to her is Nia, because she’s Nia. Plus she totally bit it on a flip.
Paige is next, and Abby even tells her that she didn’t do anything wrong, but she’s part of the trio, so sucks for her. Lame!
In third place is Chloe. Abby told her she was good, but she’s never good enough. At least no issues ever stem from the whole “never good enough” thing.
Brooke is in second, to which she says, “Yeah, second place. How about that for probation, Bee-otch??”
And Maddie’s on top. Of course. (dry heave) Oh wait, no. I just ate ice cream. (ice cream puke)
Maddie will of course be doing a solo, which is called “I Can’t Find the Words.” It should be titled, “I Can’t Find the Ability to Make Normal-People Faces When I Dance.” Paige also will get a solo, which is badass since the whole Kelly-adding-moves-to-the-dance debacle was just last week. Hers is called “Creme de la Creme,” whcih I believe is French for “Don’t Bother Dancing Because Maddie is in the Same Category and She Automatically Wins Every Damn Competition Because Her Choreography is Way Better Than Any of the Other Dances Choreographed at ALDC.” The French can say a lot with few words.
Nia also will have a solo, surprisingly, which will be called “Working Girl.” Yeah, that’s right. That’s also a euphemism for a prostitute. It’ll be another Laquifa dance. Remember that? Last time she had an afro.
The group routine this week will be about a vampire, so she brings in some scrawny white kid to be a vampire boy and bite all these little chicks. Mackenzie thinks boys are icky. And that’s right, my little Mackenzie. Boys are icky indeed. You keep that line of thinking forever, says me, your vicarious father.
The moms head back up to the booth while the group rehearses. In walks scrawny Nick kid, who luckily has the ability to lift tiny girls. Maddie is pumped about this, because she strikes me as the Rachel Berry type who will probably never have a boyfriend because she’s too wrapped up in herself and her dreams, so dance is the only time in her life a boy will make contact with her. Phew, long sentence.