Holy crap. I feel miserable. I don’t sick very often, so when I do, it blowwwwws. I think it’s a sinus infection, but what the hell do I know? Anyway, I tell you this in hopes that you’ll give me a pass if I’m not on my A-game this morning.
Note: Went to the doctor. It’s viral, supposedly, and I’m on a bunch of medicine as a I finish this. Bear with me.
Livin’ on the dance floor! Nope. It never gets old.
We start the show with more references to Johnny Appleseed chopping. Good call, Abby. CHOP CHOP CHOP! Pretty creepy still, really.
Abby tells the girls that they weren’t awesome, but they whooped Cathy’s ass, so all is well. Because of this she thinks she’ll be in a good mood this week. Yeah right.
Pyramid time! Paige is at the bottom this week. Why? Well, she beat Kendall, which was the whole goal of the week, but if you’ll recall, Kelly changed all of her choreography and Abby was pissed. So even though she achieved her exact goal, she’s still at the bottom. Makes sense. Or something.
Next is Mackenzie. WHAT THE EFFFFFFFF?? Sorry, for some reason I have this weird parental defense mechanism that comes out in me like she’s my own daughter when it comes to Mackenzie. She can do no wrong, dammit. She greatly improved, says Abby, but she needs to pull her own weight. Ummm…. sure.
The last person on the bottom row is Brooke. These Hyland girls can’t catch a break. “Luckily” for Brooke, she’s off probation this week! Yayyyy! I’m sure nothing has ever made her happier than to know she’s off of a probation that never mattered to anyone anyway. Insert more traumatizing chair-throwing here.
Nia is in third place this week. Abby tells Nia that she has matured very much, and that less than six weeks ago she was sitting on her dad’s lap in the dressing room crying like a little girl. Oh wait… Breaking news. This just in… NIA IS IN FACT A LITTLE GIRL. What the heck was that dance anyway? I don’t remember a wedding dress dance.
Second place is Maddie. Chick hardly even danced this week and still she holds onto second place at the worst. Sheesh.
On top is our resident bird-dancer, Chloe! Apparently she won the entire competition’s costume award, and her solo made the top ten. Yayyyy, Chloe.
This week! Starbound Competition in Atlanta. The ATL. Word. Abby tells the moms that she may even sit and have a mint julep with them. Those lucky ducks.
Abby reminds the girls that the last time they went to Starbound, they lost to Cathy and her stupid Apples by one tenth of a point. Abby says she has never lived it down until this weekend. Which was an incredibly long time, as that was all of just six episodes prior. Abby doesn’t want a repeat of that, so this week everything has to be perfect.
Anybody else notice how like three minutes ago she was telling Nia that there should be no crying in the dressing room, and yet in the flashback, Abby is crying her eyeballs out in the dressing room? Ah, hypocrisy. Tastes sweet, doesn’t it?
This week, Chloe will have a solo. It’s called “Trouble” and she needs to use the whole stage and jump high as hell according to Abby.
Of course Maddie has a solo this week, and of course it’ll be much more emotionally compelling and much more time will be put into it compared to Chloe’s. Maddie’s solo will be called “Mom, It’ll Never Be The Same.” The title makes me think of a song you would write after your mom accidentally walks in and sees you naked, but apparently this is a little deeper than that. My bad.
Also this week will be a trio of Paige, Nia, and Mackenzie, which Abby already tells us is going to be a nightmare. Awesome. The trio is titled “Nothings Gonna Stop Us,” which only leads to the opening of Perfect Strangers getting stuck in my head. You know you’re old if you get that reference.