Chopping Down the Apple Tree – Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on July 11, 2012 · 0 comments

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Hey everyone!  SGWWGS coming live to you from the sunny state of Nevada.  The very VERY sunny state of Nevada.  Holy crap.  When we flew in yesterday, the thermometer at the house hit 121 degrees.  That’s a borderline oven.  Anyway, on to the show.

Previously on Dance Moms:  “Blah blah blah, Brooke formal, blah blah blah, wildebeest Payton, blah blah blah, Hedgehog annoying Mom, blah blah blah, Biggest dance competition ever, blah blah blah, Maddie wins two titles.”  Remember?


Here we are in the studio.  Let’s talk about last week, girls.  “You lost by a tenth of a point, you worthless chicks.”  Or something like that.  Abby tells the girls that they need to challenge themselves more (note that for later) and then said they need to find the most flexible chick at the bar and go stand next to them.  A Twitter follower told me that she was saying “barre,” but that’s totally not believable, because I got through college by finding the most flexible chick at the bar.

So let’s talk about this week.  Off to Ohio!  Christi “can’t wait to see her bestie Cathy!”  that made me chuckle.  Then Abby says that the Candy Apples will become Apple Pie and the girls will be the “a la mode.”  Wait… so the Candy Apples will still be deliciously tasty and all-american, and the ALDC girls will be a sweet, but not necessary?  Hm.

The group dance will be called “Land Unforgiven.”  It’s about going to Cathy’s territory and “sticking a stake right into that beef jerky,” which automatically sounds really graphically dirty to me, because I’m a guy, and guys are gross.

This week, Abby is bringing in some “ringers” which are like 40-year-old senior team dancers who are gonna dance with the girls.

Pyramid time!  Brooke’s on the bottom.  Go figure.  She didn’t dance last week, so of course she’s still on probation. Oooooooooh.

Next, Mackenzie.  WHAT?!?!  Eff you, Abby.  You put her on the bottom for chewing gum??  Have you seen her chew gum?  It’s effing adorable.

The third on the bottom row is Nia.  Get a good look, because I’m pretty sure this is the last glimpse of Nia you get the whole episode.  She’s third because Abby says she doesn’t turn well or something.  Mkay.

Paige is next, and Abby gives absolutely no reason for it, but tells her that hopefully her probation sticker will come off.  Oooooooh.

Then it’s Chloe, who’s not first because she made one mistake and her name isn’t Maddie.

Hey, wait a minute… there’s two people on the top of the pyramid?  No way it’ll be two Maddies, right?  ….right?  Ah shit.  It’s two Maddies.  Effing Maddie.  She’s on top twice for winning two titles in two hours.  Now, I haven’t researched this because I’m way too lazy, so don’t take my word for it, but if any of you want to research this and get back to me, that would be awesome.  Supposedly these two competitions weren’t even close to two hours apart.  It was more like two days.  Someone commented and told me this, but I haven’t verified it.  If this is true, then BOOOOOOOO to Dance Moms.

Abby doesn’t give her a solo this week because she wants her to rest.  Yessss, no goofy faces this week.  Instead, Paige actually gets a solo, and will be going up against Kendall for the title.  Abby wants Paige to win in order to show Kendall and Jill that leaving ALDC was the worst mistake of their lives.  Worst mistake?  That’s a bit grandiose.  I mean, Jill’s plastic surgery has to be at the top of that list, no?

Wait, what?  Abby isn’t even going to rehearse Paige’s solo?  What the eff?  Apparently Paige has had this solo for a while, but has pulled it twice because she wasn’t prepared.  So what better way to prepare her than to not prepare her, right??

But look!  Paige is no longer on probation!  WEEEEEE!!!  And now we all go back to not caring about probation again.

Chloe will also do a solo called Angry Bird.  Really?  So if she’s the Angry Bird, is Abby the Pig?

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