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Abby’s Favorite Dances (a countdown we never asked for) – Dance Moms Recap

by Matt on July 6, 2012 · 0 comments

Oh, sweet.  A recap of Abby’s favorite dances.  This is going to be great.  If my sarcasm isn’t seeping through your screen, then I apologize.  I’m being freaking sarcastic.

“Livin’ on the dance floor!!”  That song gets catchier every damn time.  I seriously need to download it.  I’d look so awesome blaring that out of my rolled-down car windows.  Guaranteed to make friends.  Or get the crap kicked out of me.

The countdown of Abby’s dances starts with her onstage, telling us how since she’s such a badass, she’s also going to show us dances that were awful.  You think the only reason she’s doing that is because all of those awful dances have already been televised anyway?  Nahhhh.

Get ready, folks.  The countdown begins.

The worst dance, number 10, is Pin-up Girls.  The song sounds like some ripoff of a Lady Gaga song.  This one is a disaster to Abby because Chloe’s headband falls in front of her face as she’s dancing, and she dances a good half or so of the dance blindfold.  But since Chloe is a freakin’ boss, she keeps dancing, and is nearly flawlessly.  I mean, if you can’t dance blindfolded, then you don’t really know it.  Trust me.  I saw it in Honey 2.

Then the girls win first place.  Yeah, what an effing disaster.  You should totally be mad at Christi, Abby.  Makes total sense.  She’s mad because no one was watching her choreography (or lack thereof).  All us simple-minded folk could do was watch the headband.  Ummm…. First place, bitch!!  Quit complaining.  Soemtimes it’s better to have something distract from your choreography.

“What’s more important, your daughter or a drink?” Abby asks.  I’m glad I’m not a father yet.  I wouldn’t want to be put on the spot with that question.  “Well.. uhhhh… depends what time of day?”

Next up is creppy little Vivi, daughter of big stupid Cathy.  The Bumblebee.  This girl is so terrible in the first place.  Especially when you have Mackenzie to compare her too. And where did she come from?  She looks nothing like her asshole mom or her jerky-selling dad.

Cathy puts a bunch of retarded dance moves into the dance, which of course pisses Abby off.  When Abby confronts her, all she can do is apologize before Abby can say anything, and then she starts telling Abby to move on over and over.  You’ll rarely find me on Abby’s side of an issue, but I just wanted a backhand to happen so badly, followed by a wicked sumo squash.  There’s no way you can tell me that wouldn’t be awesome TV.

Buuuut then Abby starts talking us to again and ruins everything.  She says how Vivi isn’t a bee, because she doesn’t have drive and killer instinct.  Dammit, Abby.  Just when you had me on your side, you screw it up by making an awful analogy.

Okay, off to New York, where we get number 8.  Jailbirds.  Somehow this one is the moms’ fault too.  It’s not the annoying song or the slow-ass choreography.  It’s not the girls’ total lack of energy for whatever reason.  It’s the moms.  What?  Not following this one.  According to Abby, the moms stressed them out to much, and couldn’t get them the proper outfits. This is followed by Abby pulling up Paige’s shorts up into her butt, which is all sorts of awkward.

Tenth place!  Woohoo!  It’s funny watching Abby do these in-between narrations.  She’s trying so hard to think of stuff to say.  Not even editing can fix it.

Oh hey, an Abby’s Extra.  Now we get to watch all the kids who have forgotten their dances and frozen on stage.  Chloe, Paige, Nia, and of course Maddie, who doesn’t freeze, but forgets and runs right the eff off stage mid-turn.  Then we get her patented freak-out.  She’s so strange.  This girl is going to be an odd woman someday.

Oh, what?  Girls forgetting the dances is the Moms’ fault?  Yeah, totally.

Brooke’s solo, Garden of Eden, is up next at number 7.  Kelly screwed this one up, of course.  Oh wait, she got first?  What the eff are you talking about, Abby?  Not much to say about this one.  Brooke is mad flexible, though.  She does some crazy stuff, and I have to agree with Abby that Brooke could easily be in Cirque someday.

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