Previously on Dance Moms:
“Blah blah blah, second place isn’t good enough, blah blah blah, save me the time, blah blah blah fat.”
And of course, we start with the pyramid (which I so boldly and correctly predicted on Twitter before the show. Yeah , I know it was obvious, but I’ll still gloat. I have a blog.). Who will be on the top this week?
I think we can all guess who the bottom two are. Let’s all say it together on three. One… two… Brooke and Paige! If you said anything besides that, or Paige and Brooke, then slam your head on the dask, because you’re borderline retarded. They’re basically on the bottom for not asking Abby to let them do what Abby didn’t want them to do anyway. Makes perfect sense, right? No? No. And they’re still on probation. Ooooooh. So scary.
Who will join them on the bottom rung? Nia. Awwww. “Nia, you did a good job, but… wait… you’re still on this team? I’ll be damned.”
Third place…. Chloe. Dammit. What for? Oh, her last name isn’t Ziegler.
Second place… Maddie. Well, at least she’s not first. Blech. I really don’t understand how all of these girls are still friends with her. Even if it’s not her own doing (which it definitely partially is). I’d be so annoyed with her existence.
And in first place, it’s our very own cute-as-shit Mackenzie Ziegler! “I LOVE being at the top of the pyramid!” Seriously, if my distant-future daughter isn’t Mackenzie’s identical twin, I’m trying again until it happens. Sorry, wife.
This week, the team is going to Virginia for THE LARGEST COMPETITION IN THE UNITED STATES! You know, according to Abby. No way that’s just to put more pressure on the girls or anything. 25th Anniversary of Star Power. Exciting.
Oh hey, Abby is putting our little ball of cuteness in the group number with the rest of the girls. I’ll be damned. I’m pretty sure that happened 27 times or so in the first season, but maybe I’m mistaken. Either way, more Mackenzie is always a good thing.
Maddie has a solo, of course. “Looking for a Place Called Home'” it’s called. Apparently calling it that makes it a modern version of Dorothy, because there’s no way a modern day Dorothy would say “There’s No Place Like Home.” So old-fashioned. I think her next routine should be Gone With the Wind themed, and it should be called, “I Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass, Ho.” Gotta update those lines!
Chloe gets a solo too. “What Goes around Comes Around.” Interesting. Christi lets us know that if that statement is true, fate will run Abby over with a Mack Truck. I’m not one to want to burst Christi’s bubble, but I’m pretty sure Abby would win in a competition with a Mack Truck.
Uh oh, Brooke is speaking up. She wants to go to her school’s formal dance. Abby says if she were in Brooke’s position, she’d make a different decision, but we all know she’d make a different decision because she wouldn’t be able to find a dress that fits. Or a guy to dance with. Luckily, she lets Brooke go without too much of a hassle. Of course, it’s not because Abby wants her wants to, but because she doesn’t want Brooke to be sulking the whole time she’s at the competition.
Let’s learn the group number. It’s called “The Huntress,” which is inspired by Abby’s ability to find food wherever it may hide. She says it’s about children killing each other to survive, though. My version is a lot more upbeat, I think. She says it’s inspired by the Hunger Games, but all I can think of is Lord of the Flies. I guess my pop culture prowess is getting a bit dated.
So, since EVERYONE’S REPLACEABLE, it’s time to find a replacement for Brooke. And goddammit if it isn’t effing Payton with her stupid effing mom, Leslie. If you don’t remember them, Payton got to audition for the competition team and made it on in a probationary fashion. They went to a competition, and Payton was like, “Durrr, we did bad because all the rest of the girls suck and I’m fantastic, durrrrrr.” She sucks. And if you think she sucks, her mom is like high-voltage suck. Suck on steroids. GTL Suck.