Disclaimer: I’ve had a significant amount of beer before writing this. You see, I took Christi up on the drinking game that she posted on Twitter, which was to drink every time the words “spoon” or “ballet” were used. I’ll be damned if they didn’t say those words at least 14 thousand times. Needless to say, I ran out of beer.
When we last left Abby Lee Dance Company, Melissa had tattled on Chloe and Christi, Kelly cussed out Abby and didn’t let her kids dance their solos at the competition, and Abby was fat.
Tonight’s episode starts like usual: The pyramid. Apparently this is Abby’s favorite thing, or so she says. And it’s such a great team motivational tool to make all your kids want to beat the hell out of each other.
Brooke and Paige are not only at the bottom, but they’re on probation. Oooooooooh. No one saw their dances, so that’s where they go.
Chloe is also on the bottom. Abby points out that Chloe went to the movies instead of class last week, thereby calling out Melissa for being a big stupid tattle-head. “You need to be in class, not at the movies,” says Abby. I mean, is that like an all-the-time sort of thing? Like if she has any free time ever, she should be in class? Or only when class is scheduled? I need some clarfication, Jabba.
Mackenzie did a great job, says Abby, but she’s still third on the pyramid. She needs more ballet (drink!!) classes. Whatever, Abby. Mackenzie dominated last week. You just can’t handle all of the cuteness that is harnessed within her tiny little shell.
Nia is next, because she kicked ass in her duet with Mackenzie. It’s not first, but seeing as how the only time Abby has recognized her existence is when she ran off stage crying, Nia is just fine with second.
Maddie is of course at the top, because Abby never seems to tire of seeing her make dopey-looking faces on stage. Last week, Maddie’s music skipped in the dance she wasn’t supposed to even be doing, and Maddie kept dancing right through it, either because she has super-lightning-fast decision-making skills, or because she just doesn’t care about the music because she’s too busy being obsessed with how awesome she is. You decide.
This brings up dun-dun-DUNNNN… SKIPGATE!
Abby sounds really weird about explaining it, like she has to have a reason as to why it skipped. Kind of like when you fart in the car and you try explain the stench before anyone even smells anything.
This week, the girls are going to Michigan for the same Energy Dance Competition. The director of the competition lets Abby know that there are two teams coming to the Michigan with the sole purpose of beating ALDC. Not because they’re on TV, but because they’re so good, of course.
The group number will be Silver Spoon (drink!!), which is all about the girls being spoiled and born with everything they ever wanted or needed. I’m thinking this shouldn’t be too hard of a character for these girls to portray.
In this one they’ll dance with a gigantic silver spoon (drink!! okay… I’ll stop saying it, but you don’t stop doing it) that they’ll pass around to each other during the routine.
Maddie and Chloe are going to be doing a duet together. Maddie looks stoked, but Chloe’s initial reaction reminds me of Larry from the the Three Stooges saying “Why, I oughtta!!” until she realizes there are cameras in the room so she starts smiling again. I’m sure Maddie sees it as a chance to win, while Chloe sees it as having to be on stage with effing Maddie.
Nia’s got a solo this week called “Bound.” It’s about her being held back while trying to chase her dream. Once again, shouldn’t be too hard for her to feel those emotions.
Mackenzie is cute as shit, and she’ll be doing a solo as well. She wishes “Justin Beaver” was one of the judges because he’s cute. She then smiles and laughs shows off those somehow ridiculously cute teeth.
Maddie will do a solo too, of course. She’ll portray Helen Keller, and have to be deaf and blind, and apparently mute because that’s what Abby think Helen Keller was. Since there’s so much talking in a dance routine, it’ll be good for Maddie to know that she’s supposed to be mute. Abby also says that Maddie will be portraying the “actual character of Helen Keller.” I’m not so sure Abby knows that Helen Keller was a real person. In hindsight, this theme would have worked out better last week when her music skipped and she was pretty much deaf anyway.