Dance Moms – Night of the Living Dancers

by Matt on June 14, 2012 · 1 comment

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NOTE: This hasn’t been reviewed yet, because my wife reviews these for me and she went to sleep hours ago like a normal human being.  Sorry for any errors you may or may not see.  I’m too tired to read through this whole damn thing again.

Ah, back from Vegas.  Sorry to keep all you lovely loyal readers waiting, but my hotel didn’t have Lifetime, and I installed a virus onto my computer looking for a copy to watch online.  Good times.  Let’s talk about how much Abby sucks.

The show starts with Abby telling the kids they suck and they’re boring and like slugs and some other shit.  Really motivational material.

Maddie is on the bottom of the pyramid because she has an awful cry face, I’m pretty sure.  Melissa doesn’t agree at all, but what mom sees her kid as someone who did a bad job?  Especially when that mom is horrible.  More on that later.

Mackenzie is next to Maddie on the bottom.  Ooooh, two Zieglers on the bottom.  Armageddon.  Why the hell is Mackenzie on the bottom, though?  Everything she does is cute.  I could be told that I have two days to live and be okay with it, so long as Mackenzie told me.

Paige is also on the bottom, because Paige never does anything right, apparently.  Poor chick can never catch a break.

Brooke is next up, because Abby says she doesn’t ever give real smiles.  Can’t argue with Abby on that one.  I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever seen Brooke smile without looking like she’s taking a family picture she doesn’t want to be in.

Then it’s Nia, because Abby didn’t know where else to put her and she didn’t talk or something.  Sure.

At the top this week is Chloe again, because Chloe is a baller.

This weekend they’ll head to Chicago, wheere Nia and Mackenzie will do a duet, Paige will do a solo (not as a reward, but so she can’t screw anyone but herself), Brooke will have a solo, and Chloe will have a solo too.

Abby then tells Chloe she can only have a solo if she shows up to class, because apparently she missed rehearsal a couple days before and no one knew where she was.  Christi spoke up to tell Abby that they were at the doctor (probably a psychiatrist after dealing with Abby for so long).  Then we get one of Christi’s  patented “what-the-f@&$-ever, Abby”eye-rolls.

Abby says once again that they all are boring and lifeless, so this week’s routine will be about zombies.  She then puts Holly in charge of costumes since Holly isn’t working anymore, maybe since it’s summer now.  Holly is nervous, but she looks like Michelle Obama, so she can handle it.

During rehearsal, the moms sit up in the voyeur booth and Melissa brings up how it’s not fair that Maddie was at the bottom of the pyramid.  You know, because that shit is important to normal people’s real lives.  On the bright side, Melissa actually says  she’s pissed at Abby for once.  Kelly suggests that maybe it’s because Abby and Melissa aren’t getting along anymore that Maddie is at the bottom.  Melissa of course thinks it’s not true.

We then learn that Melissa has been replaced at the front desk, and apparently people email her every  day to tell her that they miss her.  Does anyone reading this believe that?  Methinks not.

Meanwhile, Paige is rehearsing her solo, which involves a chair.  Abby tells her that she either will win or make a fool out of herself.  The choice is hers.  Or it may be the judges.  Whichever.

Brooke rehearses her solo too, but no one cares about that, because we only see about .4 seconds of it with some super awkward camera-man-in-the-way shots.

Abby calls Kelly out to the front to tell her a couple things: 1) Get some stoppers for Paige’s chair so she doesn’t bust her ass, and 2) Kelly needs to put Brooke into voice lessons with some old chick we’ve never heard of at Abby’s studio.  Abby says that singing well is about learning to read sheet music and learning scales, which I’m sure Britney and Nicki Minaj know like the back of their hands.

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