Dance Moms – They’re Back!

by Matt on June 6, 2012 · 1 comment

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Previously, on Dance Moms:  A bunch of yelling happened by a bunch of ladies that need more to do in their lives.  And Abby ditched all of them just after Maddie forgot her dance and made her creepy cry-face and ran offstage.

This episode started with a very scripted-looking opening where the girls walk into the studio and ask where Abby is.  For some reason they wait there for half an hour and Abby finally waddles into the room.  Half an hour?  I’d be gone.  Did anyone else have that supposed rule in college where if your professor is XX minutes late, class is considered cancelled and you can leave?  I heard about it all the time, but to this day, I’m pretty sure no one knows if it’s true or not.

Anyway, everyone is expecting her to apologize when she comes in, because apparently they’ve never watched this show.  Abby instead tells them how awful their previous New York competition went, except for “that little bitch Chloe, who took first place, but it doesn’t matter what she does anyway.”  Okay, that’s not a real quote, but I’m pretty sure she was thinking it.

Abby admits that she left because Maddie ran offstage, which infuriates the other moms.  She justifies this by saying that some kids are just special.  She does this in front of all the other kids.  Thanks, Abs.  She also says no one pays her to go to competitions.  What a dummy. More on that later.

Paige is the last kid on the pyramid for mishandling her prop.  Nia is next for screwing with some bike-a-tard or some other word that Abby said that I didn’t understand.  Brooke is next because she’s Brooke and doesn’t move up higher.  Maddie is in third due to her being Maddie, and she can’t be on the bottom row.  Then it’s Mackenzie, because she’s cute as shit.  Despite everything inside of Abby, Chloe is at the top of the pyramid, but now ALL THE PRESSURE IS ON HER!  We hear that about 457 times this episode.

This week, their going to head to L.A. for a competition.  A nice quick trip from Pennsylvania to L.A.  How much money do these chicks have?

There will be a group performance featuring Chloe, a trio with Chloe, Brooke, and Paige, and solos from Mackenzie and Chloe and Maddie.  Oh wait, no, Abby pulled Maddie’s solo because Maddie needs to grow up or some shit.  Sure.

During rehearsal, the moms yap in the weird voyeur booth and discuss how much Abby blows for leaving everyone.  Apparently Abby told Melissa that she was leaving because her mom was sick.  Melissa was angry that Abby lied to her, and showed her rage with her usual vacant stare and half-smile.  That’ll show her.  The moms egg her on to go tell Abby what’s what.

The Candy Apple creepy kids are the next subject of discussion.  Christi gives a nice imitation of Cathy’s obnoxious ways in the audience.  On a side-note:  I just looked up Candy Apple’s Dance Studio to see if Cathy spelled her name with a C or a K, and her website is effing terrible.  Makes me feel much better about mine.

Now we get a glimpse at Cathy’s studio, where we learn that Cathy is happy as balls because she beat Abby last competition, and some dopey dancer that hurt herself named Taylor is back.  They welcome her back with a cake with a big dumb apple on it.  Then they toast with sparkling apple cider.  Her apple theme is so damn annoying.

Eventually, Melissa finally nuts up to go down and confront Abby.  They get down there, and once again, Melissa shows her anger with a vacant stare and says nothing.  Good job, Melissa.  The other moms jump in and go after Abby, but Abby basically tells them that she doesn’t give a crap what they say, because they’re not paying for her airfare or hotel or anything on their trips.  Now let’s think about this…  Holly said at one point on a previous episode that she pays somethnig like $16,000 a year to have Nia at Abby’s studio.  First of all, you’re stupid for paying that much money for your kid to do anything.  But second of all, how the eff is that not paying for airfare and a hotel room?  What a terrible argument.

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  • Natasha

    i just found your blog (i apologize for my lack of grammar :P) and i love it :D. just as awesome as the things christi says on the show. off to read more : )

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