The X Factor – Nicole Scherzinger didn’t suck quite as bad.

by Matt on September 30, 2011 · 3 comments

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Okay, okay, I may have been a little harsh on her last night, but it’s not like she was really likable tonight.  She just wasn’t mean.  I was with Simon when she wouldn’t hurry up and give a straight yes or no answer, though.  Hurry up, chick.  You’re half the reason this show is taking up two damn hours of my life.

Anyway, thoughts from tonight’s last round of auditions:

  • Steve Jones.  Does anyone like anything about this guy besides his smashing good looks?  This guy could put me to sleep in the middle of three day meth binge.  Even his name is boring.  Steve Jones?  C’mon, man.
  • First up was little Brian Bradley.  Brian Bradley from Brooklyn.  What alliteration.  I hated this kid at first.  I was wondering how this kid’s mom never introduced him to the back of her hand.  He told Simon what’s what and told him he’s lucky they weren’t on the streets or he would… well, I don’t think he finished that sentence because he started rapping about how his mom is awesome.  Yeah, really.  I’m not making that up.  His entire rap was about how guys should stop checking out his hot mom.  Textbook Oedipus complex.  But he ended up being really likable, at least for now.  Bravo, Brian Bradley from Brooklyn.
  • Next we had Kelly Warner.  Kelly was pretty in a non-Barbie glitz-and-glam sort of way, so that was good.  Her voice was pretty so-so, but the judges loved her.
  • Here comes Aaron Surgeon.  He looked like he stole Howard Stern’s hair just as an experiment to see what it would look like a black dude.  Experiment failed.  His voice was surprisingly decent, though.  I thought he was going to be a terrible one.
  • Next up was this boring-looking chick named Liliana Rose Andreano.  Bangs.  Ugh.  I hate when girls get the bangs that are cut straight across the forehead.  Ugh.  that look is barf in a bang.  Cut it out, chicks.  It looked terrible in the 80s and it looks even more terrible now.  She sand You Are My Sunshine a cappella.  We didn’t get to hear very much of it, but what I heard was decent.  The judges loved her.  Meh.
  • And now we have Andy Silikovitz.  Andy, Andy, Andy.  I loved this guy.  He let us know how he never had a girlfriend, and doesn’t even think he ever kissed a girl.  I mean, he looked like a scary elf Halloween costume and had the confidence of Stephen Hawking in a ballroom dancing class, so this wasn’t exactly a surprise.  But he also told us that he wanted to win the show so that he could get money and get chicks.  I think every guy is Andy during at least one point in his life.  For some people it’s five minutes, and for some people such as himself, they stay Andy forever.  May you win the girl of your dreams, Andy Silikovitz.
  • Next up is Clarissa Cheatham, whose name was apparently spelled too normally, so now goes by the name “Kaashmir.”  It’s my theory that anyone who already has a dopey nickname for themselves before they get big, especially one that’s spelled retardedly, will be awful.  And she was.  That’s why I don’t tell anyone that in private I call myself F3nonmenon.  The best part of her audition was that Simon was cracking up the whole way through, ever since she told people would scream when she did karaoke.  Something about Simon cracking up hysterically is.. well… hysterical.
  • Then we had Nouf Taramn.  This chick was awful and got mad at the crowd for booing at her awfulness.  Ya know, lady, they may not even have been booing your singing.  I didn’t even really hear her sing, because I was too busy booing her gigantic camel-toe.  It was like a curtain caught in a vacuum cleaner.  Thanks for that nightmare, Nouf.  Something tells me I’m going to dream about the scene in Star Wars where Jabba is throwing people into that pit in the sand with the mouth.  Yeah, I know, there’s probably dorky names for all of that stuff, but I’m not that familiar with all of that stuff.  I’m too busy having friends.  To me, it’s the mouth pit.  Now go back to your action figures, Andy Silikovitz.
  • Then we had some lame-os.. One guy had a hula hoop, one was a foreign lady singing We Are the Champions.  Both were worthless time-fillers.
  • Now we get Carrie “Jailbait” Fletcher.  17 years old?  No way.  I thought this chick was a year away from graduating college, at least.  Like Not-Randy said, she has the face of a star and the name of a star, but her voice was pretty mediocre, I thought.  Simon agreed, but they put her through anyway.
  • Next up is Aus-em.  That’s Austin and Emily.  The super skinny gay guy and the lesbian.  That’s just a theory, but it’s probably right.  Emily was terrible.  There was nothing  “Aus-em” about either one of them, but she was certainly the least “Aus-em.”  This was the audition where Nicole took four hundred years to give a response.  Ugh.  Just say no and let’s move on.  Oh great, she said yes. And Austin waves his Jack Skellington arms in the air and tries not to get blown over by the wind as he runs of stage.
  • On to San Francisco.  Tora Woloshin was up first.  She was all tatted up with goofy hair and looked like she bought a new dress but couldn’t figure out how she was supposed to put it on.  She kicked ass.  A little too Gaga-ish for me, but she was good.
  • Jor-El Garcia.  Ugh.  This dude was kind of hilarious to watch, but made me want to die at the same time.  An obvious no.  This was followed by John Duff, another obvious no, but another hilarious dancer.  I’ll take it.
  • The Stereo Hogzz were up next.  One just had a baby, and the rest are waiting until they get famous so that many women can have their many babies.  They were okay, but definitely need some work. their dacning was pretty good, at least.
  • A little time-filling interlude was inserted here talking about how Nicole always calls voices an instrument and Simon thinks it’s stupid, because you can’t go to an “instrument shop” and by a voice.  Too bad, because a lot of these people could use an upgrade.
  • Enter Brennin.  Eff this guy.  He’s like Robert Pattinson’s non-sickly, better-looking brother.  And he knows it.  Of course I’m thinking, okay, this guy is a cocky prick, so his audition will be terrible.  But it wasn’t.  He had a really good voice.  On a song that he wrote himself.  Ugh.  I hope he gets hit by a truck.
  • None of the rest really stood out to me until Jazzlyn Little at the end.  This chick came out so nervous.  She had the agoraphobia of Ricky Williams which gave her the shakes of Muhammad Ali.  Luckily, she had the voice of an angel and won over everyone.  With a little more confidence, she could be really good.
  • By the way, does anyone else get a kick out of Simon’s version of a standing ovation?  He just raises his hands up really high and claps.  But his claps are really flowy.  They look like some sort of mythical sea creature.  It’s weird.
  • Is this show just a conglomeration of all other reality show competitions?  So we have the auditions, which are pretty much just America’s Got Talent.  Then after these auditions, they send them to “Boot Camp.” Which is just like the first few weeks of So You Think You Can Dance or American Idol.  Then once they’re weeded out there, they work with different judges who compete with each other.  Enter The Voice.  Eh?
So that was tonight’s X Factor.  What did you think?  Any early favorites?  Leave a comment and let me know!  Thanks for reading!
  • kimpar

    Loved the review F3nonmenon!

  • Anonymous

    Ha! Thanks, homeslice!

  • Sujulove

    I was reading this in my room by myself and was cracking up… Thanks for the entertainment! You are hilarious. I agree with almost everything you’ve been writing haha.

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