Really, what happened to this chick? I don’t know if any of you watched The Sing-off when she was a judge, but she was super sweet. I don’t think she made any friends tonight. And why did she feel like she had to prove herself? Luckily for her, and to my total surprise, should can actually sing. If not, she would have been embarrassed and I would have not written this because I’d still be laughing right now. She comes across as just mean. Simon is mean, but he’s funny mean. She’s just mean mean. I’ll give her another chance, because I liked her on The Sing-Off, but we’ll see.
Anyway, there’s not a ton of continuity to this show, so I’ll just give you my thoughts on tonight’s episode like last time, except this time I actually watched the whole thing.
- First up were McKenna and Brock. She looked like she may be dead. He was in love with her for some reason, and she didn’t know it. He said someday she’d know. Like maybe September 28, 2011. Way to hold your secret back, Brocko. The judges liked these two way more than I did. She was flat the whole time. He was decent. It’s okay, they’ll weed themselves out later. Of course that’s what I said about Scotty McCreery. Sigh…
- Then we had a bunch of people who sucked, but weren’t really funny about sucking. They more just hurt my earholes. One chick tried to audition as a judge. I guess it was supposed to be funny.
- Skylar Anderson auditioned next. This guy is Larry the Cable Guy’s illegitimate son. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a black dude and a redneck that were one in the same. It was beautiful. His track cut off mid-song and after an awkward pause, he kept going. He should be glad he did, because I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason they put him through. His voice wasn’t very strong, but his balls were.
- Next up was Mark Inman. This guy may be my new hero. If he doesn’t win the show, then the world will all be right, but I will pissed. I need him yo win for the sake of humanity. His dancing blew my effing mind. Really, Mark, if you’re reading this, I want you to write this blog with me. you’re welcome at any time.
- Then was Josh Krajcik, or Paul Giamatti if he had played the part of Silent Bob. I could tell this guy was one of those auditions that they were trying to make you think was going to suck and then turn out to be good. He was pretty decent. Had a Ray LaMontagne sound to him. His mom was nuts. She let us know that she drove the whole seven hour trip to the audition. I’m pretty she she snorted coke the whole way to stay up.
- Two huge fat chicks auditioned next. A mother daughter team. they were so terribly terrible that I don’t want to type anymore about them. How do you have a duet that just sings in unison? They smlled of diabetes. The blonde chick was about one jolly rancher away from losing a foot.
- Up next was a 14 year old chick who was obsessed with Justin Bieber. Except this chick looked like she could have been 32 years old. It was weird. She did a slowed down version of Bieber’s song Baby that was pretty impressive. I’ll let her pass.
- Ah, and then there was Peet (Yes, his name is really spelled like that). The only “averaged size” person in a family of dwarves. In fact, his dad is the second tallest dwarf in the world, which is like being the second smartest kid in your special ed class. But hey, kudos. The kid was really likable, but he wasn’t very good. Do you think if you’re in a family of dwarves, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves takes on a whole different meaning to you? I don’t think of them as real people. I just think of them as sleeping, sneezing little creatures. Weird.
- 4Shore hit the stage after that. They were like Boyz II Men if Boyz II Men weren’t nearly as good as they are. Don’t hate. Boyz II Men are amazing. these guys were pretty good, though, and would be better in a studio, obviously. The judges and the crowd loved them, though.
- Next we had a Sinatra-wannabe who I liked better the first time when he was called Bruno Mars. He had a good voice, but he shouldn’t try to riff so much. It didn’t fit. I thought he was a little cocky, too. Meh. We’ll see.
- This is when Nicole got all bitchy and Paula joined the party. Simon and Not-Randy started calling every semi-attractive girl that walked up D.O.A. (Dead on Arrival) because he knew the girl judges were going to be assholes.
- Enter Tiah Tolliver, who sang some song that I’ve never heard and I’ll never recognize if I do hear it because she sang it a cappella and her notes were everywhere. I personally thought she was likable but was terrible. If Non-dwarf dude didn’t go through, then neither should she. Simon and Not-Randy were in love with her, though, and gave her another shot to prove herself. This time she sounded even worse to me. Not to mention she looked like Michael Strahan. Nicole finally conceded and let her through. yay. Simon kept reiterating what a star she’s going to be. Something tells me that that’s going to come back to bite him in the ass.