America’s Next Top Makeover That Makes You Uglier

by Matt on September 22, 2010 · 0 comments

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Esther G, (named G after her size G bazoongas) dyed her hair black but kept her black caterpillar eyebrows.

Jane got highlights and continued to contribute nothing to the show.

Rihanna got extensions and highlights and said that it fit her personality because it’s “hippy-like.”  If she wanted her hair to match her personality, she should shave it all off.

Kacey got the incredible makeover of getting contacts.  Wow.  Reminds me of movies where the lead girl is supposed to be all nerdy and then turns hot by losing her glasses and taking her hair out of a ponytail.

Lexie got her hair darkened and trimmed and got extensions.  Trimmed and got extensions?  Sounds a bit counterproductive to me.

As all of this is happening, the girls are doing a mini-photoshoot with their new looks, when one of the J’s says, “Guess what, one of you is going home tonight.  The girls are then super astounded that they could be judged while doing a photo shoot and then get sent home.  Really, girls?

And then BAM, Tera goes home.  Just like that.  And right after she was in the bottom two last week and said to Tyra, “This is the last time you’ll call my name last.”  Well, I guess technically she’s right.  Tyra didn’t cut her, and they called her name first.

Next, they all end up at the beach, where the whiter J is dressed like a crazy gay raven or something.  Looked like a gay guy in a gay club in Halloween.  Not that I’d know.  For the past three Halloweens.  Ahem…

For this photo shoot, they brought in real life guys, which got a few of the girls all swoony.  All but Kayla, who told us that she was going to really hate it if she had to touch a guy.  Whatever.  Heterophobe.

So they all went out to do their photo shoots.

Esther G was a super shy Jew girl and was afraid to talk to the guy, much less touch him, so she looked nice and awkward.

Man-face Liz was becoming a “pain in the butt” because all she ever does is complain about stuff.  This time it was the harness, which I guess didn’t feel too good on her man-lady parts.

Gayla I don’t think ever touched a guy, so she was okay.

Sara just looked retarded as she tried to look seductive.  Poor girl.  You’ll never seduce a man with no eyebrows.  Not even the most drunk man in the world can ignore a lack of eyebrows.  It’s like a skunk smell.  You’ll always notice it.

Kacey was chatting it up with her model dude and would have probably dry-humped him, had it not been for all the other girls around him.  Meanwhile she’s the one who complains about missing her boyfriend back home.

Rhianna’s angel was supposed to be “hopeless,” which she pulled of perfectly because the word describes her chances on this show.

Chelsey, Jane,  and Chris both did well, but Chris was wearing a headdress that looked absolutely ridiculous.

Alabama looked insecure, which makes sense, because if you’ll recall, she’s the one who doesn’t like being with guys because she doesn’t like semen.

Ann the Man was up next, and she said it was hard because she didn’t have much experience with guys.  Who woulda thought?

Whiter J said that Lexie lets him down every time she gets on set.  Ouch.

So, back to the judging panel, where Tyra introduces all for the judges that no one has ever heard of and tells about the prize for winning the show for the 467th time.  She also asked about the fake list, and the three girls involved outted themselves to a pat on the back from the judging panel.

They then judged the girls individually on their photoshoots, which would be redundant for me to detail, so here’s a few highlights:

Esther’s face in her photo looked like someone just walked in on her dripping a deuce.

The guy judge said that in Lexie’s picture he found himself focusing on the guy more than Lexie.  Go figure.

Rihanna was the only one looking away from the dude she was with, which I guess was bonus points for her.

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