Alright, so we’re back with America’s Next Top Model.
Sorry I missed last week. As I previously explained, I’ve been in the process of moving and things have been bonkers around here.
So here’s a little mini-recap of last week’s show –
Some anorexic chicks moved into a glass house on the beach and then did a photoshoot where they wrote words all of their bodies that made them feel like crap plus words that made them feel not like crap and there was one chick named Anamaria who was too anorexic even for the show and she got sent home.
Got it? Awesome. On to last night’s show.
Okay, so last night was the first night I’ve ever seen the intro, which was effing creepy. In future watchings I will be making sure to fast forward through that nightmare bait.
In last week’s episode, the girl that had the top picture was Ann the Man, so her picture stays posted in the house all week. Those lucky girls get to stare at her every day. Yes!
Sara told us about last week, saying she “sucked freakin’ ass” and that she misses her little boy that she left behind in order to have dudes stare at her all day. Nice, Mom.
Cut back to the house, and they have a practice runway built in. If only my house had a practice runway. I wouldn’t walk on it, though. I’d try to land paper airplanes perfectly on the runway. And then I’d pretend that they were shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now, wish ri… Sorry. Moving on.
Oh snap! Tyra just walked into the house! What a freakin’ surprise that Tyra Banks would walk into the house holding the contestants of the contest that she hosts! I can definitely understand the girls screaming like little banshees when Tyra walked up.
After last week, Tyra informed us that this competition is getting “riller and riller” every single day, thus proving why models should be seen and not heard.
She also let the girls know that they’d all be getting makeovers! WEEEE!!!!
Then she proceeded to point out the one good part of every single girl that needed to be accentuated, forgetting that some of these girls have no good features at all, unless you count being able to see every rib, and sometimes even an organ or two.
Enter the mischievous Lexie, who decides to write a fake page of notes detailing what each girl is going to have done to her in the makeover, making sure to make them god-awful things that no girl would want done. She even added herself and put something she would hate and then fake cried about it when they told her what it said. Not gonna lie, it was pretty impressive.
Until they said, “We’re never going to tell anyone that we did it,” on national TV. Good call, ladies.
So on to the makeovers…
Ann the Man was given hair extensions in order to accentuate her height. Because girls who have been teased their whole life about their height definitely want their height accentuated, right?
Man-face Liz got her hair shortened to guy-short. Fitting, really.
Chelsey actually went to the dentist where they shaved between her two front teeth, thus widening her tooth-gap and making her look a little more like Michael Strahan.
Ass-sucking Sara got her hair darkened and apparently lost her eyebrows in the process. So creepy. She looks like Igor or something. Ugh. Quit showing her on my screen, please.
Alabama got really fake long hair, probably made from the horse that she rides to school every day.
Gayla (or Kayla, who let us know last week that she’s a lesbian and wants to be the first lesbian to win and talks about being gay every chance she gets) got her disgusting hair dyed a disgusting red color and cut even more disgusting. I don’t know. Something about her hair just really bugs me, and I think it got worse with the makeover.
The Crybaby sister Got all of her hair cut off, and she looked pretty damn pissed about it.
Chris, The Other Sister, got all of her hair cut off too. I think she pulled it off, though.