Hey, a new show!
What? There’s a two hour show two nights in a row? God help me. What have I gotten myself into?
Well, one thing I can say for Dancing With the Stars is that they get right into it. None of that 30 minutes of bullcrap introduction stuff. It’s just, “Hey, here’s the old washed up celebrity and here’s their dance!”
This show isn’t getting a full-on review this week because things are pretty nuts around here being in the middle of a move and all. But I finally got my HD hooked up and life is good. Now I can see every one of Florence Henderson’s wrinkles like my face is buried deep inside each little crevice. God bless you, maker of HD.
So for this review I’m combining the performance show and the results show into one. If you’ve read any of my other reviews on shows, you know it takes me a few episodes to figure out exactly how I want to do this.
This week’s episodes were pretty non-exciting. I expected a little more from this cast, but everyone is a little energy-less, with the exception of the old lady and the little fat guy.
Speaking of old ladies, is anyone who watches this show under the age of 40? Anyone? You, reading this, are you under the age of 40? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being over 40. I hope to make it to be the old someday. But I seriously think DWTS’s demographic is people in nursing homes and married people who hate each other so much that they want to sit in front of the TV and watch pseudo-celebrities that no one cares about dance dances that no one wants to see. Ya think?
Ah well, let’s get on with the dances.
Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani:
Audrina Patridge. You may know her from this Hills, where she lit up the screen with her boring-ass personality and half-wit remarks. Now seriously. Let me take it back here a minute. Remember the demographic I just described for the show? Has any person who watches this show ever seen an episode of The Hills? I’ve never seen an episode of the Hills, and I’m 14 years shy of 40. Good call, DWTS.
She did a half-naked Cha Cha with the poor guy who was stuck with Kate Gosselin last year. You think they were throwing him a bone this year? Hm. Take that how you want. They were decent, but her … hmmm.. what’s the opposite of “dazzling”?…. her non-dazzling personality came right out to the dance floor as she bored herself, Tony and all of us watching what should be an energetic and captivating dance.
The judges thought she was decent, although Bruno described her as a pony. A pony who needs to be whipped. I thought you were gay, Bruno. And who the hell named you Bruno anyway? Bruno is supposed to be a big bulldog who bullies on the smaller domesticated animals of the neighborhood. What a misnomer. Anyway, the two received a 19 out of 30.
Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskya:
If you can pronounce her name, God bless you. Kurt Warner, if you don’t already know, is the former quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals that ate shit last year when he faced the New Orleans Saints in the NFL Divisional Playoffs. He wasn’t doing too terribly until he threw an interception and Bobby McCray blew him up with a block that gave him 14 concussions and 45 broken bones. I’m pretty sure, at least. You might want to look that one up.
Kurt has 115 kids and a wife that looks just plain-weird. I’ll call her “Weird-Wife.” He joked that he may win because of all of the family members he has voting for him, and he may be right. Silly Mormons. Oh wait, he’s not Mormon? My bad. He has such a Mormon amount of offspring though. Confusing.
His dance, which was a Viennese Waltz, actually wasn’t too shabby. He was pretty graceful and actually looked like he was enjoying himself. The judges also gave these two a 19/30.
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer:
Next up was the little fat black kid. Does anyone in the world know who this guy is? I like him, but I have no idea who he is. And he’s paired up with a stripper I’m pretty sure. The combination is a wee bit creepy, if you ask me. I have no more to say about this kid, except that he’s a little fat black guy, so already he’s hilarious. I hope he sticks around a while.