America’s Next Top Gay Show

by Matt on September 8, 2010 · 0 comments

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Just when I thought this blog couldn’t get any gayer…

Oooooh weeeee!!  It’s good to be back.  TV was pretty awful there for a little while.  Not that the shows we review here are going to make it much better but, hey, we do it for the people.  Or something like that.

Last night was my first ever episode of America’s Next Top Model, so if it sounds like I have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s because I have no idea what I’m talking about.  Bear with me as I warm up to this show that will undoubtedly be the greatest show I’ve ever watched.  Right?

So the show starts, and apparently it’s not like American Idol or SYTYCD.  They already have just a handful of model-hopefuls, so we don’t get to see total disasters that we get a laugh out of.  Instead, we get a bunch of people who are already actual contestants that we get a laugh out of.

Tyra Banks, or Queen Forehead as she likes to be called (trust me, she likes it), informed us qat the beginning that you’re not a real model until you’ve been on a magazine cover.  And not just and magazine, but.. VOGUE ITALIA!  AHHH!!!  Get excited.

Why Vogue Italia?  So you can see yourself in a magazine that’s in a language you can’t even read?  Oh, my bad.  Silly me.  You’re a model.  You can’t read anyway.

So the winner gets to be thrown on the cover of this Italian magazine and have not one, but two fashion spreads.  Holy hell.  They’re really upping the ante.

Then we got to watch Tyra talk about how she came from being an awkward little girl to an awkward little woman that other women look at and think they need to look like.  “Who does a girl go from this (shows a picture of her younger self) to THIS (shows a picture of her older self)?”   Wow, Tyra.  Your humility astounds me.

And they all get to be judged by a bunch of “Top Designers” that no one has ever heard of.  Seriously, how much designer clothing have you worn?  Have you ever worn anything that you’ve seen on a runway?  No.  No one has.  Because those aren’t real clothes.  Runway shows remind me of shows or movies that were made in the 80s that depict how life will be so futuristic by the year 2001.  Granted, many advancements have been made, but I still don’t have a Hoverboard.  Thanks for getting my hopes up for nothing, Marty McFly.

The winner also receives a $100,000 Cover Girl contract.  $100,000?  You do realize that even a teacher can make $100,000 in just three or so years, right?  And they don’t have to starve themselves or throw up after every meal.

Okay, so they finally stopped parading around flamboyant designers and foreheads, and we get to see some of the contestants.  Talking about these contestants is going to be a bit sporadic, because that’s how the show was.  Hopefully this will get a little better as the show winds down and we lose some of these starving children… er… models.

First we meet Vanessa.  Vanessa is a bitch.  Really.  I hate her.  She won Miss Minnesota and thinks she’s hot shit.  What does it take to win Miss Minnesota?   I’m pretty sure that most of the population of Minnesota is Yetis and Wookies.  Congratulations, lady, you beat out Chewbacca for the win.  Laugh it up, Fuzzball.

We caught a glimpse of Emily.  She seems pretty normal.  Probably means she’s nuts.

Kendal is this country black chick that has never been outside of Alabama.  From the looks of it, I’m not sure she’s ever even been out of her front door.

Kacey showed up for auditions last season or a few “Cycles” ago or something and she made a bad impression.  So to make up for it, she’s super loud and obnoxious so that people will notice her and love her.   Because that’s a good impression.

WOAH!  Enter Ann, or as I call her, Ann the Man.  Oh great, this chick is from Dallas. Way to represent my state, ya troll.

Now we meet Jordan.  Jordan says that materialism is the opposite of everything she represents.  Which is why she’s on a modeling/fashion show?  Makes perfect sense.  It’s like saying you’re against cruelty to animals while you’re hanging out in Michael Vick’s backyard.

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