And so we begin writing about So You Think You Can Dance.
Last night was pretty uneventful, I thought. These shows have to realize that two hours is just way too freakin’ long. By the end of hour one I’m thinking about how good bed sounds. Yeah, it’s only 8:00, but I’m old and married and I have the attention span of a 6 year old.
So I pop it on last night after my once a month work out. That’s right. I’m ripped. I like to keep a good ratio of 1 calorie burned for every 100 consumed. Keeps me looking good for swimsuit season.
There’s Cat Deeley on the screen. Her hair looked wacky. I thought it was just super high, but then I realized it was a bun. And then I got hungry. So I ate some ice cream.
The contestants always look so goofy when they have to run out and do their little introduction dances. Five seconds of awkward gyrating. If I wanted to see that, I’d take a shower and get out and watch myself in the mirror. That’s when the magic happens. And why won’t Cat ever say the word “judges”? Apparently she used to, but now she’s allergic to the word or something. On to the dancing.
Billy and Lauren:
We got a chance for the contestants to tell us a little something about them that we didn’t know. Billy likes Do-It-Yourself projects. Really, Billy? Pretty sure you like Do-It-With-Dudes Projects. Me and my wife were noticing that he seemed a lot more flamboyant this season than last season when he auditioned and then got too sick to go on in the competition. Maybe he got H.I.V. and that opened up his eyes to realize he should just be himself and dance like there’s no tomorrow. SYTYCD doesn’t seem like the place to go all Philadelphia on him, so I think his job is safe, so long as as he can keep dancing.
Unforunately for him, I thought he kinda sucked. I mean, it was decent, but as a guy who is borderline retarded when it comes to dancing, I can tell you that I was certainly not convinced by his bad boy rebel character that gets all the chicks. Very unconvincing. It’s like having Verne Troyer play Thor. I’m just not buying it. Even though it makes me laugh.
I’m glad they had normal-sized lockers, though. I’ve never seen a school in my life that had full floor to ceiling lockers (Here’s lookin’ at you, Boy Meets World). I’m glad my school didn’t have them, though. I might have been the kid locked in one. Luckily, they couldn’t fit me in our half-sized lockers. Trust me, they tried.
The judges, of course, love ol’ Billy Bell. He’s their favorite this year, no doubt. And he’s a good dancer, but he needs to stick to playing parts that make sense for him. His peach-fuzz beard looked nasty, though. Very pedo-like.
Watch out for the curveball SYTYCDers! New phone numbers this year. From TEMPO to BEST. Can you handle it??
Grade: I give him a C+, mainly just because he was so unbelievable.
Christina and Mark:
Is Christina cross-eyed? I feel like she is every now and then and then I have to double-take. She was flying around like crazy in this routine. I’m pretty sure she only touched the ground for about %30 of the routine. That gets you extra credit in my book. I hate when these totally outrageously gay dudes try and look sensual with girls. It really just doesn’t work for me. Call me judgmental, but it’s just two things that don’t go together. Like a mouse trying to seduce a cat. It doesn’t work. Unless you’re Tom and Jerry.
Christina’s braces have gotta go too. Woo! Those things are funky. If I had braces, they’d be silver and shiny and as plain as day to see. She has those kind that are supposed to be inconspicuous, but make it look like she was eating Cheetos for 12 hours straight and was never allowed a drink of water. She probably got them done in Mexico, where she’s been her whole life until a couple years ago, I believe she said. I hear they do medical/dental stuff down there for much cheaper, but not always with the best results. She is case and point.
Her and Mark did a jazz routine to Sonya’s choreography, which is always effing weird. Sonya is the weirdest chick on the planet. Somehow she’s strangely likeable, though.
Jose and Comfort:
God, this guy annoys me. If any of you watched last season, there was a guy named Legacy. The guy was a B-Boy, as breakdancers apparently call themselves these days, and he was good at what he did, but was super overrated. Well Jose came into this season with his nasty cornrows and molester goatee and said that he’s easily better than Legacy. Not so much, dude. I didn’t like Legacy and you suck worse than him. Get off the show ASAP, please.
They did a hip-hop routine done by Tabither and Napoleon, or NappyTabs, apparently. Kinda lame that Jose gets to start in his own genre like that. He still managed to suck, though. He’s way too slow with his movements. Comfort is a Brave chick to jump straight at him like she did. I’d be afraid all 115 pounds of his pure unadulterated bone body would drop me.
Grade: F, because he annoys me.
Adacheeky and Kathryn:
I looked in the background when Cat was talking and noticed the whole audience was standing. Do they stand the whole time like their at an A&M football game? Are the at So You Think You Can Dance Memorial Hall?
Adacheeky is a badass. I’d be his friend. My wife and my sister think I have a thing for black guys, though. Maybe I do. No homo.
He did a routine where he was asleep at work and dreams a fantasy where a chick comes in and wants to do the hibbity dibbity with him. I dig the concept, but apparently the judges found the only straight guy on the show to be unbelievable in wanting a woman. Sad day.
Holy crap, how tall is Cat? Standing next to him she looks about 7 feet tall. Are all the dancers just super short?
And how gross when Adam Shankman leaned over and pretended to kiss Mia Michaels. A gay guy kissing a lesbian. Does it get any hotter than that?
Grade: A, because I have a thing for black guys, I guess.
Melinder and Pasher:
I know, that’s not their real names, but that’s what Cat calls them so that’s what I call them.
Apparently Melinder was on a Soap Opera. As the World Turns. I don’t like these people that overachieve and try to do everything. Like J-Lo. Ugh. She sucks at singing, she sucks at dancing, and she sucks at acting. And she sucks at having a stupid nickname. J-Lo. I feel the same about Beyonce, though. Stick to what you’re good at. I guess they are sticking to what they’re good at: Annoying me.
This dance was super fast and I don’t think Melinder’s feet could keep up.
When Pasher walked off, they said he gave her “full-on eyebrow,” and all I could think was Tropic Thunder’s “Full Retard” scene. Always funny.
Nigel just made a soccer joke. Combining soccer and dancing. Wow. Soccer is about the only thing less entertaining than dancing. Thanks for throwing that in there, Nigel. Then Adam made a joke about not looking at his man-parts. Ugh. Next!
Alex and Allison:
Alex has gotta be the gayest Asian ever. What did we not know about him? That he sings! A gay guy that likes to sing? That’s preposterous! And then he starts dancing with Allison and she touches him and he looked like he had a seizure. Not surprising. Allison looks like she’s about 40 years old.
How come girls can wear skirts and spread their legs when they’re dancing on this show, but Miley Cyrus gets out of the car in a skirt and she’s a whore?
The dance ended with them as silhouettes in front of the bright lights. If I could just be a silhouette all the time, that would be awesome.
Then the judges start crying. Jeez. I agree, it was a pretty dance, from whatever I know about dance. But come on, guys.
Did you catch Sonya’s huge red lightning earrings? What a weirdo!
Ah well, at least the judges are saying someone is better than Billy. That makes me happy.
Alexie and Twitch:
Watch out! Another black dude!
Alexie was on Star Search in a group called Hip Hop Kids. Adam Shankman was a judge and he looked like a total creeper. Gross.
The song for the dance really blew, but it was a cool dance. I liked the concept too.
The judges told Alexie she needed to dance with the sensuality of a woman, but the power of a man. So you can learn the sensuality of a woman from and guy on the show and learn the power of a man from Mia Michaels. Seriously. She could kick my ass if she were in a wheelchair.
Lauren and Ade:
Lauren is my favorite girl so far. She wasn’t super great, but she is super likeable. Plus they danced to one of the best songs ever. Oh Yeah. Like from Ferris Bueller. Nice.
Two black guys in a row! YES! I mean… Dat’s coo.
Lauren just smiles way too much to be sexy in this dance. She looks like she’s dancing for the high school drill team. At the end of the dance they did some thing where their hands looked like they were making shadow-puppets of snakes from behind the couch, but without shadows. I didn’t get that.
Then Nigel tells them that they are safe as the Lakers right now. Is that really reassuring? You know they still have to win another game, right, Nigel? I wouldn’t reassure anyone by saying they were as safe as any team in a Game 7.
Grade: C, because of all the smiles.
Kent and Anya:
Wow, Kent just did the double-hand wave. Daniel Tosh was just talking about that on Tosh.0 the other day, how only gay guys can do the double-hand wave. And Cat asked him last week what he was looking for in a woman. HA! He’s looking for a big-busted skinny blonde bombshell, for sure.
He looks oddly like Adam Shankman to me. I think he plays up his nerdy-smalltown-ness a little too much. I think it’s going to get old to most people, including myself. Although it was funny when Adam told him, “you looked like a ballroom dancer,” and Kent responded, “Cooooool.”
This kid is good. Anya looked even older than Allison did, though. Why does every dance end with the girl pushing away the guy and walking off?
Ashley and Neil:
She started off by showing us her “Galvatron” voice. Yikes. Just plain yikes.
That was a pretty dance. I dug it. Is it gay to say a dance is pretty? Ah well. Then Ashley cried and said she thinks she’s in love right now. She’s only 19. She’s gonna regret saying that about whatever guy it was in about 5 years.
And then Nigel imitated Bugs Bunny. Dreadful, Nigel. Dreadful.
Robert and Courtney:
Cat just said Top 12. I think she was watching too much American Idol in the offseason. There’s only 11, lady.
Robert told us he wants to be a baseball player all his life. He strikes me as a straight guy who’s just too effeminate to be seen as liking chicks. Ah well. I’d hang out with him, gay or not. Seems like a cool fella.
I dug this dance. Africans know how to do it. Or is that my thing for black guys coming back for a guy who’s not even black? Hm.
The judges called him a dark horse. But if they call him a dark horse, doesn’t that make him not a dark horse? Now they’re saying they expect him to do well. I don’t get it.
I wish Robert and Mia would stop growling at each other. It’s awkward and creepy.
There you have it, folks, my first SYTYCD review on SGWWGS. What did you think of the show last night? Who’s your favorite? Did you even make it down to these questions? Leave a comment!